Where there is SMOKE there is FIRE

Last Night Was ANOTHER SCARY Night. 

Another fire broke out in the foothills of Jefferson County - caused by a lightening strike that they thought was out.  By 5 pm the smoke here at the farm was getting worse and all of us jumped in  that panic mode.  Our bodies are now responding in flight mode and our brains can not even control it.  I spent many hours calming the animals but how do you give calmness to others when I am anything but??

I turned out the billies to the forest hoping I could easy their minds with walking in the tall grasses (their pasture is almost dirt) and get them to nibble on the tender Scrub Oak Leaves.  Picture 8 big horned billies glued to me and talking softly of their worry and the time they where by themselves.  My guilt of not being with them during that time brought me to tears again and my heart broke all over.  Sophia was on edge and did not want us wondering about in the smoke filled night but I felt it was really important that we all try to feel safe in our bodies.  Once they started nibbling I stayed for a bit and then told them I was going to get the girls out of their pastures and out in the back yard.  Yeah Right.  All 8 followed me right back to the gate and stood there the whole time I was just on the other side of the house.

I went to get the girls and again they were so glued to me that I could hardly walk. Have you seen the ad where the guy has his cats on his feet as he walks, that was me but only with 23 goats.  The voices were growing and growing with each step we took away from the barn.  Dot gently kicked a few of them away so he could be right on me.  As he hummed in my ear his baby song that he would be saying to his llama mom if he could be with her.  Dot was trembling but understood I was with them.  I got them out to the only tender grass left and they started nibbling so I thought - GREAT - I can not do a bit of housekeeping in the barn because it was lacking.  I walked to the barn, turned on the lights and started raking up all the fiber that has been blown out and destroyed.  With only a minute or two in the process I turned and there stood all the girls right behind me.  Their eyes told it all, "MOM, where in the world did you go?" Now I told them what I was going to do so what was the problem?  Yep, they are so scared and thinking that MOM will be no where to be found in their hour of need...  Yep, buckets of tears and guilt hit me again...

So outside I went, put the rake down, allowed those who needed to lick my arms (Yuck) and stood with them until they walked off.  Back to the barn I went and quickly I raked and filled water.  Gave the babies tons of hugs and kisses, loved on Chief.  Just then a helicopter flew over head and I had all the goats running full speed for me.  I have black and blue legs today because stopping happened only when they reached me.  I can not even explain the fear and panic I saw and felt in them.  So another hour of sitting with them, letting them tell their story over and over again and Yes, loads of licking. 

After they girls calmed down I shut the gate and told them MOM would keep watch.  I went to go put up the billies but instead found them hugging the doors of the shop in a single row.  They were trying to be brave but my big boys wanted me to sit and allow them to tell their stories and just have me be part of their group.  I agreed that we all needed that so about another hour on the ground and filling my lungs with smoke.  Good thing I stopped smoking when I was 20 years old. 

It was a very long night of checking on everyone, checking the farm and checking news updates on the fires burning in my state.  I caught cat naps here and there with the animals and sitting in my living room between nervous energy busy work.  Here I am looking at another day and just wondering why or how I do this??  I hate to feel so lost in purpose - this is just not me.  I know other are facing much more today and so I pinch myself and tell myself "Get a Grip" but I admit I just am worn to the bone.  However, no time to have a pity party right this moment - we are to get into the 90's today, no rain in sight, winds to pick up and more worry to about - I admit my mediation time is not working and I refuse to take medication so it is what it is.... 

Hope to find something wonderful to write about soon.  Hate to be such a DEBBIE DOWNER.  Please forgive me for dragging out the worries of the farm and myself but I hope by doing this I can make room in my heart and brain to see the light.  Maybe, just Maybe!