STILL Pondering This

Have you ever heard the saying "Going to the Hardware Store for Milk?"

It is one that I have heard in lectures, read in books and worked on - well thought I had worked on.

Today I received this statement again and it really hit home again.  OH MY GOSH - Not only have I been going to the wrong store I keep thinking if I just talked nicely to the man who owns the store, or I came with the right attitude and smile on my face, I have even said a prayer or maybe a thousand prayers each time before going that they will finally have the milk I so needed...

What this statement refers to is how we look for what we need in the wrong places or the wrong people and we keep thinking that some how this will change.  I thought I understood it but looked deeper today I saw how on some levels I still do this and do it BIG TIME. 

I see now that all this time, effort and tearing off tiny bits of myself to fit the right mold has really given me nothing but heart ache and feeling less then worthy.  I have heard everyone tell me that I am way to independent but do they really see that I have had no choice because no one really honors their words. How my value is on what I give to them, what I say to them, what I give up for them, which I would not mind if there was a glimmer that I would be seen for who I am..  I have also thought that if I just explained why (OVER AND OVER)  I am trying so hard to walk a softer path surely they would see I am not trying to change them but just trying to change me... 

For many many years and many teachings I thought that this also meant that what we NEED we must find within ourselves... I have dug deep working on all my baggage, all the stories I have told myself and lived.  I thought this also would finally come to some enlighten end where I would be all FIXED...  Well, that has not happened.  I am so much better then I was but there still is a part of myself that Keeps Going to the Hardware Store for Milk.

I have not understood WHY I can not find the Milk Store?  Have they closed it and not told me?  Am I lactose intolerant???