Saturday, February 8, 2014

Is Anybody Out There ???

Since my last posting life for this gal has been beyond what I can put on paper.  There is no way to sift through all that I have gone through and am still going through in some logical or light hearted way.  I have not had strength, time or clarity of mind to even begin and not sure if I will even attempt to do so in this posting or even to continue blogging.  Needless to say this gal got hit, slapped and run over by CHANGE.  This has tested me and is still putting me up against the wall with fear, sadness and excitement but by sharing I hope I might ease my own panic and maybe, just maybe show someone else that when we see NO WAY it is because we are stuck in control and fear.  Then again I might just be trying to convince myself that I will survive and that "THERE IS A REASON" for everything.  I have to be very honest - I had many many well meaning folks telling me the saying "When God closes a Door he OPENS a Window".  After hearing that maybe six dozen times in a three day period I went outside and said "GOD, WHERE IS MY F**KING WINDOW and why in the HELL couldn't you just leave my door alone?"   I know, not very kind, spiritual or even sane was that screaming outburst but as I say when this gal is pushed too far CRAZY comes spilling out all over....

I stopped counting all the melt downs, crazy screaming and huge puddle crying activity I did for the past two months. I even stood and pound the ground with all sorts of instruments such as pick axes, shovels and many other sharp tools.  I even had one evening where I carefully got a box, heavy plastic and started breaking glass and pottery to just release my anger, frustration and hurt.  I at many times thought "THIS GAL IS BROKEN and SOMEONE BETTER TUCK ME AWAY IN A SAFE PADDED ROOM"....

I did all the stages of grief and in some days I did them over and over and over and over till I really thought - "Can't this all just be done and I just fade away to a land of unicorns and nice people?"

I at times sat in MY PITTY PARTY fully dressed with party hat, streamers and a crappy look on my face - all the while being completely present that compared to other's in my life what was happening to me was workable.  Then the little girl in me said "BULLSHIT, I am sick and tired of always being the strong one, the one that everyone passes by and says Oh GRACE will figure it out"  Crap.... Just when can I have someone else fix things??  Why is it that NO ONE sees just how much I am hurting and bleeding inside for the losses I am going through?  My inner child what running a muck... Hell, she was running with scissors and ready to do damage to anyone who was going to hurt her.

Then the strong Grace would stand up dust off the little girl, wipe her tears away and give her a big hug.  The strong Grace would say "We never had someone there before so just get over it and push on - STOP all this crap and take a step"  Heck, RUN because the wolves are at the door and they are smelling blood"

As I sit writing this I am at my youngest son's apartment, ear a lovely dinner I cooked and trying to decided if I will hit the post button or the delete button.  In less the two days I will be taking a train to Elk WA to staying with a friend who has been so kind as to offer me a place to stay and to gather myself up. We have never met in person but we have talked for years - O.K. I do most of the chattering but she has always understood this gal and never seemed to mind the whirling mind mush that is Grace.   I have learned so so so many things during this last couple of weeks that as I said I am not sure if I will bother you all with it.   As I have said before on this blog and in other places - I never feel heard and if I am heard it is taken wrong by those who really do not know me or understand me.  Especially when I seem to compose my words so carefully and yet it blows up in my face.  I know that this is the other person problem but I must say I am too too tired of other people's fall out screwing everything up for me. Yep, did you catch that life lesson tucked into those few sentences???  Those people who blew up recently at me for reading things wrong - did you get it - it was YOUR problem.

So I will do what I have done in the past - I will put it out there - DO YOU WISH ME TO CONTINUE or should I just fade away???
This is NOT, repeat NOT to get approval or for folks to hold my hand but rather just asking if and why I should continue to write or should I take up a different outlet for my wee hours??  You won't hurt my feelings - after the year I have had this tough bird can take it...

15 comments:

Jaja said...

Grace........... I am speechless. I don't have any answers for you. But, I do care for you as a fellow human being and a good girl that has in her own days gone crazy a time or two myself. You are good and all this crap will have a silver lining someday. Post away, say what you will, I am here! I have had that same conversation with God. I just laid it all on the line with him. You know what he said.......I knew you were going to say that, and then he laughed. I wish you all the best in whatever direction you choose to travel in. Feel free to email me at tjlburke at gmail dot com anytime! Blessings and Joy but more than anything I wish you Peace within! Jaja Teresa Lee Burke

Ngo Family Farm said...

I'm still here, too, Grace. And still listening and wishing you to continue so long as it does your heart any good. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.
-Jaime

Gail said...

Actually, it's kind of nice having someone put out how they really feel without any sugar coating. I've had those times when I felt like a rubber band stretched too tight and couldn't do anything about it, not even scream. I've been the one tired of being strong. So write on, I'll be here listening and thinking, "I know what you mean." I'd hate for you to quit when I've just found you!

Wanda Couzens-Smith said...

Grace.........I think putting things into words, sentences & paragraphs helps.....sometimes it helps the person writing & sometimes it helps those reading it & sometimes it helps both. Sharing helps. Some people will not understand, some will. Sometimes it just depends on our previous experiences & sometimes it depends on the makeup of the person. I'm sorry for all you are going through. Wish I could do something to help......as I've just gotten to know you a little, don't know what I could have done even in the past. But keep in touch through Facebook & your blog and continue to move forward. I cannot say I've been where you have been, although I've lost a premature baby and two husbands.....but I've certainly not been through much of what is going on with you over the past year (not even knowing what all that entails). So do what it takes to help yourself. If that is blogging, talking, whatever.

Nicole Bottles said...

i think you've summed up the f&$K-ity uppity-ness of life so poignantly and of course hilariously. i was torn whether or not to keep a straight face when i was reading about your troubles but then i hit the line "GOD, WHERE IS MY F**KING WINDOW and why in the HELL couldn't you just leave my door alone?" and i almost peed my pants.

today's been a super rough day, but boy i wish you could have seen the stupid big grin on my face when i read this post.

i've been having a rough few months too, and am SO GLAD that you said it first, and that i can stop pretending i'm a super-human brave warrior who never gives up and is always so cool under pressure. thank you. sometimes you ask the universe what the hell am i supposed to do, and you stumble across someone else asking all the same questions. and suddenly it's not so scary.

i love you. you are such a beautiful spirit. PLEASE keep sharing your words of wisdom & your tantrums, and rants....i love them both. particularly when they come together like in this post. is there anything better than the feeling of receiving hard-earned wisdom, a belly laugh, a beautiful mental image of Grace in a padded room (well...it was a FIBER padded room, but still...), and your empathy-sensors re-tuned to others suffering all in a few witty lines?

oh i know you're a tough bird and you can take the truth and here it is; keep going, keep writing, keep sharing, keep expressing yourself. but do this for you, if you decide to :). sharing your problems is sometimes the best way to get them solved (like when you're struggling to open the peanut-butter jar and ask for help and then manage to do it yourself.).

*big squeeze* & lots of love,
nicole

Sharon said...

I understand how you feel about the closing a door and opening a window phrase. People said this to me at a time my life was falling apart. It was not true. A change of location may make your heart feel better, I hope that you take this time to heal your heart and soul. I will understand if your heart will or will not let you blog. I will tell that I personally write plenty of blog posts that do not get published, but I feel much better after writing about my problems. You have my hugs and wishes for you.

monica said...

My Dearest Pea Pod, All I can say is, Please Write! xx

createmyworld said...

Big hugs to you Grace. If you choose to continue writing, I will continue reading. No pressure, just know that you are always valued and appreciated for your spirit. Do whatever you decide is best for your life.

Anonymous said...

Grace, I have felt so close to you and we have never met, I will miss your posts if you don't and I will read them if you do. Wishing the best for you.
Jalia

LLAbbott said...

Grace, I stopped writing quite some time ago, because I held the very same thought, That no one was really out there--- That I was talking to air. And who really cares about what I have to say anyway. But that was all well before I even discovered Facebook. :) And then I ended up on Disability. There's no need to bother with the long-of-it details, but suffice it to say, there eventually came the day when I realized I was in Mourning. And that was a completely separate thing going on--- Not the same as being frustrated or moody from drugs, or pain, or physical limitations--- yada, yada yada. It hit me one day that I'd also been mourning the life that I didn't have anymore. And that was huge. And no one can tell you to move on from that; as they would see fit to tell you. No one can tell you to just get over it. Oh, they do, but that can just make you dig your heals in more. Like I've said, I don't really know about Doors and Windows. But I do believe things wait in line for us. And some things truly test our Resolve. I've felt my Will being bent. But I'll be damned if I'm going to let it be broken. You are being heard!! I'm so happy for your being able to share some time in Washington. And I wish you a safe trip. And I will trust that once the anger and pain and tears, and whatever else subsides, you can mourn the passing of what was as only you can do. In your own time, and no one else's. Love and Hugs and Blessings~

Andrea Stevens said...

Grace, please don't "fade away". There are a lot of people pulling for you, myself included & we want to know what's going on inside your not-so-crazy-as-you-would-like-to-think head. Hugs to you & congrats on dealing with everything, no matter how you did it, you did manage to come through. Love & hugs. Andrea

White Sheep Farm said...

Grace,
So nice to see you back, please don't fade away.
Every sane person goes a little crazy every now and then, that is what keeps us sane.
Take heart Grace, you window will open!
Take care of you.
Teri

Keeper of the Past said...

Write! Write! xoxoxox

pollen arts said...

Grace : )

I feel ya ... sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on today by sitting around and writing about yesterday ... not to mention I'd love to make a book out of the past 7 years, but where does it fit in ???

Writing can be a kind of meditation for me if I have the time and a kind of torture if I feel like I'm falling farther behind by taking the time ... but when I've actually owned my life, writing is bliss ... So I guess you just have to do it as much as it feels right to do .. I do love your writing though, and conflict is what makes most writing great. But it's not always great to live it ..

In the wee hours, writing can be a friend. But follow your heart.

loVe,

-p&j

PenCraft said...

HI,
I always read your posts and find you to be a very gifted writer. I wish I could have done something to help . . .