I know what you are thinking and it is true - this gal can curs like a sailor and won way too many drinking contests in my youth but without fail I find that most of those bad words are just another name for HURT or FEAR.
Growing up the word "Damn" was never uttered and when I went to work as a bill collector and repo gal many many years ago to pay for college I had no clue what the words meant that were being yelled at me. I learned quickly but never took it personally. My husband was always amazed how I could hold my own in the back rooms of business deals being crafted over large amount of straight shots, smoking and card games. He would "Turn me Loose" as he would call it on folks who gave him trouble and then watched as I cut them to their knees. A skill set I am not proud of but was seemed to be a natural hidden talent to this gal....
My mother speaks of events even when I was little where I could give a cold and icy stare to someone and they would crumble but never would she tell my stories of times when with a gentle look I could comfort or heal a broken heart. How I could touch the hand of a stranger and connect right up to the hidden pain that needing a kind ear.
In the last year I found my language to define my Fear, Hurt and Pain - Yep - see all those 4 letter words. However I added a much more colorful spin to them which released that gal back out of her box. The girl who knew how to fight for herself and those who needed a protector. I forgot that this gal walked in the world fearless and bold. Now I am not saying I need to cut everyone at the knees but rather I became "Silent" and not even protecting myself from those who took great pleasure in crushing me. WHAT THE F**K???
One night when I really had no clue if I could hang on - the homes for the animals were all screwed up, folks where not honoring their agreements, the same folks expected their problems to take front and center while I was dyeing here and time was getting too close I just needed to release. I walked to the peaceful forest and first apologized to the universe and the animals for what I was about to do... I gave fair warning to all that their peace was about to get engulfed in a storm of FOUR LETTER WORDS.
Now this was not just an exercise in seeing how many nasty words I could shout but rather with each word I also listened. I took this very seriously because WE or should I just say "I" do not pay attention to really how I talk to myself. The words mask the true feelings and so I was needing to say and hear what this gal was saying and believing.
I did this exercise of reprogramming when my in-laws took everything from me after my husband's passing. The cruel and horrid things that I shoved down deep without saying a word until I was ready to kill. I believed if I just did not give their deeds a voice all would be well but I was SO SO SO SO Wrong. Did you get I was wrong??? I remember standing in my new log house several weeks after we moved in and the kids were at their new school. I told the universe "You want to see the real me - HERE IT IS". Thank the universe no one saw that crazy shit show but without doing that until my voice could take no more, I don't think I would have created the wonderful life we lived at the farm all these years. So it was time again to draw the line in the sane and STOP my negative 4 letter words.
Now today I am searching for more FOUR letter words that represent what I wish to create in my life today and what I know to be true for me in this moment and beyond.
HOPE, LOVE, BOLD, HUGS and CALM are ones that popped into my head as I woke this morning. I sure would love to hear more...
What would be yours today???