There has been so many changes in my life in the last year I feel like a Ghost in the corner of a room who does not know they are gone. I have been so blessed to have a new adventure before me but the old habits and life creeps back in my thoughts. Small events pinch me and I think "Your being silly Grace - You have been through worse so get a grip"
The last 48 hours represents such an event. Monday morning as I worked in my fiber room on the second floor trying to put into place a routine that would work in my new surroundings I looked out the window toward the barn and counted the 6 sheep and watched them like I always did for my own furry babies. I have not up till that morning gone in with them because there was too much to do and they are very skittish... I did my old behavior of walking past a window and checking on the animals with a quick glance. Since the landscape is not what my eyes are use to I admit I have not connected to my surroundings yet. After an hour one sheep was still in the same spot so I made note to keep him in my view. I went back to work and wondered "Is that normal?" It had been raining through the night hard and on and off that morning so I was not sure if that is what sheep do in rain - we get so little in Colorado. Another hour went by and still he was in the same spot. Not knowing these animals I was wondering "WHY would he just stay out in the rain but then they all were?" When I went downstairs I told Sheri that I wondered if that was normal. She went out to check and found that the animal had passed... It was her favorite and so my past was back. I went into action of moving the animal and then searching for answers. More times then I can count or wish to remember I had done this task and now I was doing it here. With frightened animals running away from me I also felt the loss of the love, trust and understanding I had with my animals. I knew their ever twitch and they would run to me for care, comfort and attention. This is NOT what I was dealing with at this place... I moved the body, secured it for further examination and then went back into the pasture to "Work" the animals. I have dealt with and trained many animals with all sorts of issues and the 5 sheep left are going to be some work but they are smart and that is half the battle. Today I checked again for signs of what ended this animals life - not living in this state I will have to research plants, insects and such but all the time reminding myself that the animals are not mine and that their owner has the responsibility to make care decissions. My heart broke for Sheri because I have lived those losses and know the pain.
As I worked the sheep today I must admit the Ghosts of my past Life crept in. I felt all the "I Can Not's" that have been shadowing me since I left the farm. Such as, I can't walk outside and hug one of my sweet fur babies when the mood demands it or when they ask for my touch.. I can't hear the comforting bark of my three Great Pry's in the night telling me they got my back. I can't walk outside and into the forest when sleep can't seem to find me and listen to the big owl tell me bedtime stories. I can't just start work on a product when the creative mood hits me. If I allow myself this pitty party I can get lost in all the CAN NOT'S
But then I remind myself I am creating a new adventure in a new place with new challenges and the Ghosts that creep in are just that and it has not been that long since the death of my past life. I am thankful to be of assistance during a difficult time and look foreword to gaining the trust of 5 skittish sheep. I am hearing new creative thoughts in my head and soon will have a space to start the dye pots. I walked with Sheri today to see where I can start my compost bin, where the overgrown plants and trees are in need of cutting back and what state the outbuilding are in - all projects I am excited to get started on and complete. I miss the hum of my well oiled life (not that is was that in the last year but that life I had for at least 16 years) Each day I am chasing the GHOSTS away as they creep in and turn toward the light I see ahead of me...
What Ghost are you working on?