Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Fire - Fear - Faith

This has been a week of more then words can capture.  Fires seem to be now the norm for Colorado.  At this same time last year I had two on either side of my farm but at a distance in which I felt I would be safe.  This year all bets are off. Last Tuesday night I sat with my goat girls at the highest point in their pasture and watched the red flames top the horizon as the night fell on us.  I sat eating an orange and trying to tell them that we were going to be O.K.  They girls sat with me licking my arms as if to say "We believe you Mommy"  They knew I was lying and so did I. 

No sleep was had by any of us on the farm through the night and all I could do was believe that there was a plan in place for me but again I was lying to myself.  As I had all my paperwork ready and clothing packed that night then came the task of thinking what to take.  I guess for the past couple years I have become so unattached to most things that all the crystal, pictures, crafts, fabric and such means nothing.  I have two main loves - My Animals and My Fiber Tools.  I know to others they are attached to more.

The drama of the battle over pre evacuation or mandatory evacuation went on for most of the afternoon made matters worse.  The smoke grew and the heat was growing.  I spent most of the afternoon trying to figure out how to keep the animals calm and believe in the years of breeding and training for their survival.  My animals are smart, talented and above all they are a group.  So what to do.  Kasha my oldest Great Pry has been struggling for months and now she was not doing very well.  So I made the hardest decision of my life, to take my other two Pry's and the two baby goats.  Now this does not come lightly but here is what I believe and here is my test.

First, I believe that we are never separated from those we love - that here at the farm many have crossed over but they are never gone to me.  Second, that each day I try to give my best and all to those I care for and love.  I understand that we all die and we never get to pick that moment so do what you love and even when it does not go as planned we really are not in charge of the plan.

So with that in my mind and heart I tried to keep it together and do my best.. I finished getting the fiber tools packed and in the back end of my truck.  I even managed to find the strength to pick up the huge carding machine, walk it to the truck and into the front seat.  I wont tell you all the four letter words that I shouted in order to get it there but let's just say that was going to be the only way to summon up the energy to lift and walk it - trust me I am paying for it with stomach pains that is close to giving birth.  While this is going on I had over head going every 5 minutes the huge military helicopters going to a pond behind my property to use those buckets  to get water.  What freaked me out on this is they only where going to what appeared to be the end of our road.  Holly Crap we are in trouble....

Then came getting the dogs.  Here is also what you need to know - these hard working, loving dogs DO NOT LEAVE the farm.  They do not ride in the truck nor to EVER go to town.  So they walked nicely to the truck but have you every had to lift, push and shove a huge bear into a small hole - well, I have twice...After getting them into the truck it was now time to get the baby goats.  They came right up and as I bent to pick them up a Sheriff's car came down the driveway with lights and noise going.  At this point you could not see your hand at the end of my arm so that freaked the babies and off they ran in the smoke.  I tried to catch them but the dogs were going nuts trying to get to the sheriff.  I ran to the truck trying to explain we where leaving.  This scared  young man decided being a bully was the way to deal with the situation.  As my huge dogs are  rocking the truck, teeth gnashing and doing their best impression of Cujo I had to get in the truck and leave.  As I am crying down my driveway I had to turn it all over to the universe and believe that our highest good would be met.  YEAH RIGHT!!!!  I am driving down a road that you can not really even see with two dogs trying to sit on my head and I am thinking everyone I love is going to die.  Yep, if that does not test your belief structure.  In the rear view mirror all I could see was flashing lights and military SUV'S closing my road.. Tears were rolling down my face and sweet Sohpia was trying to lick them all away - impossible to drive with that going on.  Amazing what driving skills I have while the worst is before me.

I had to take the back road because of the dogs and so I reached my son's home in Denver by around 11 pm.  With two dogs over the top and my world possibly in flames I admit I cried more then a couple of time.  How do we grab a hold of our worst FEARS and find Faith in this???

The next two days are a blur of news reports, maps that did not make sense, county sheriff's from two neighboring lines could not decide if I could come back or not.  Finally by Friday night my son and I went out to the farm.  As we drove on the farm we held our breath because we could see a single animal but once on the drive way they appeared.  I went quickly to Kasha's trailer and I admit it I was so scared to see if she was alive.  She slowly lifted her head and gave me a very nasty look.  I had woke her up and she is never happy about that.  I tried not to squeeze her too hard but it was hard not to.  Everyone at the farm was alive and doing O.K. - scared but O.K.  The hard part was leaving again but I told them I would be back the next day. 

So Saturday morning it was back to pushing the big bears back into the small hole and head home.  All the way back I was reviewing the way I believe I live in the world.  I understand that to most I am the nutter at the Funny Farm who spends more time with 4 legged ones then with two.  I know that most believe that if we plan and follow all the rules that some how we will be safe and protected.  I also know that when we get too comfortable with the thought that we are in charge the universe decides to shake it up.  I also know that I REALLY try to stay in the present moment but REALLY I did not do a very good job but I am a work in progress.  I also know that many people  REALLY do not know me at all - they think I have a heart of stone and that I never feel fear but trust me that is not true.  It is just that for most of my life I REALLY have not had people in my corner and most have left when the going got really tough...

As the fire is less then when I left it is still burning and taking things from families.  My animals are still walking a bit in fear but they are glad I am home.  They follow me everywhere including the hens which is very strange but understandable.  I have not unpacked most of the fiber equipment because they are still asking us to be ready if things change - today we had storms, hail, and even tornado warnings so it is hard to not let down one's guard.  So again today I worked on my FEAR and FAITH issues.  I am a work in progress.

I also wish to thank all those who kept me in the light - I know and believe it is what kept all my animals safe and me on this side of sane.  At least I hope I am on the good side of sanity but if not  I guess that will give more fuel for the flames in people minds.  After this week - ASK ME IF I CARE

8 comments:

monica said...

My dearest pea pod, I will forever and always be in your corner! You have a heart of gold and I am so very blessed to know you and blessed to pray for you and the kids! I pray that everything calms down at the farm.
XOXO pea pod ;)

Ngo Family Farm said...

Been thinking of you often lately, Grace. So very happy to know you and the animals are safe! I pray you're able to stay put now. I know just what you mean about life throwing you a curve ball when you're starting to get too comfortable. It is certainly my life lesson as well - that most things are out of my control, and peace can only be had by faith and trust. It's such a hard lesson to learn. Take care, sweet friend.
-Jaime

caprejan said...

Dear dear Grace, you are in my thoughts and prayers daily and I read your story all the time to my husband, so you and your darlings are being lifted high from us afar, Keep me in your corner too, you are a brave, loving, courageous person. I know how difficult it must have been for you to leave your beloved farm and creatures. Your work in progress has grown tremendously. lots of lovex

Aprons and More said...

Grace, know that mom and I are always thinking of you! When we heard the news of the fire we hurriedly checked the map to see if it was close to you. Then we followed the news closely but, being so far away in GA, we only got nuggets of news! We checked Facebook to see if there were any postings of the farm. Please know that you and your babies are always in our thoughts and prayers! Wish that we lived closer so we could help!

Tombstone Livestock said...

Grace, so good to hear you and the critters are ok and you have a home to go back to. Take care, stay safe.

Joanne in AK said...

Grace, my heart is full knowing you are okay. We have had scorching heat in Alaska which is unheard of here. My home lies next to the Chugach and as I have followed your story your words ring true. I too, have packed the important things, but like you the keepsakes aren't very important anymore but my labs are. I've been trying to breathe in with a soft stomach.... they say that passes the anxiety....

puffthemagicrabbit said...

you- all of the area, but you are who i know of- were on my mind often, i sent wishes for the fire to end- i want peace and calm to go out to everyone. i cannot imagine the pain and fear of leaving your farm- sending so many cyber hugs. glad you are home and you and your animals are safe. keep us posted.

Anonymous said...

Grace, so glad to hear you are alright, so concerned for you and your loved ones. We had lots of smoke in Pueblo but probably from the Canon fire. The smell too.
Jalia