Waves Goodbye 2013 and Hello 2014

Hours away from kicking 2013 to the curb and greeting 2014 in with open arms.  It is no secret except to those who were not listening that 2013 was a VERY VERY hard year for this gal - heck let's be honest it kicked my butt and mopped the floor with me but I am not dead and buried.  I have done my best which in many respects was not enough and then in other issues I managed to move mountains.

I do not wish to give 2013 one more moment of my time and rather choose to look foreword to a NEW YEAR, NEW ADVENTURE and NO BOUNDARIES.

This last year has opened my eyes to the fact that I have given far too much of my time to folks who only take and never give.  I have stood still and stopping reaching for my highest good thinking that other's deserved to be put first in all things.  Somewhere  over time I completely lost sight to put myself on the to do list - NO MORE..

I lost many dear and old friends this last year but the passing of my Kasha almost was my last stand.  I sat next to her grave and could not find a reason to keep going and then I remembered - I  have NEVER in my life given up, NEVER ran away from hard times and this was really going to be a battle.  I am willing to go down but not without giving it my all. 

LETTING GO is not something I know or do but I am in complete trust and understanding that I am supported by the universe and by many kind folks.  I saw this week just how many souls have stepped up to assist me financially and how many have offered words of support, love and even places to come and rest.  I was overwhelmed by the fact that so many understood just how much this farm and the souls I shared it with means to me and you cried with me over the changes that face me now.  I also saw how to many my loss was their gain for all types of reasons but again I do not wish to spend time given them words to this page.

So 2014 is going to be full of changes for this gal.  Those who know me you understand how change is only happening when I can control every inch of it, I have planned it out every move and I know the answers before any question is ever asked.  WELL NOT THIS TIME.  I am going to work on going with the flow, letting others help me even if they don't do it my way, breathe through the scary parts and believe all this is for my higher good.  I know it sounds like one of those self help books about farting rainbows in a hail storm but thess things I know to be true because they are exactly what got me to this farm and this life 17 years ago and that was the best ride so far... I can't wait to see what I create next.

I hope you all will follow along with my new life - a rebirth for this gal.  Some things I will keep - some things I have already kicked to the curb.  Some folks will be given a wave goodbye while I wave with both hands to new lands and faces.  I wish for all who read this to make 2014 a new adventure in some way - it can be small or it can be as big as what I am facing but please share with me what is going on - how can we grow and learn if we do not share??? 

I am also going to be honest with you all - I have enjoyed sharing my world with you but I admit I am tired of feeling like I am talking to a blank wall.  I know that many of you read my words and you share your thoughts but I have many many more who read and never write a word.  I would love to just know what you are thinking - you do not have to agree, disagree or some such thing but I really have to wonder why I do this if it does not connect with someone.  So PLEASE let me know if this should even continue because I talk to myself enough - typing to myself is just a waste of finger action. 

Love and Light and HAPPY NEW YEAR from the soon to be gone Larkspur Funny Farm

Santa Came Early

This gal is jumping for joy - the feed store finally had my favorite work gloves - YES, a pair was greatly needed.  I snatched up the only pair and was inside jumping for joy as I calmly walked to the counter to purchase them - did not wish to really look like a nutter.

Once I got them home and clipped off the tags I put them on and admired how wonderful they felt without the stiff duck tape.  I had many bales of heavy compressed hay to unload, move and stack - much work before me and not a lot of energy left.  As I went out the back door to start on the big task at hand you would not believe this but I put on the old ones and went to work.  Yep, I wanted to wait for a NOT SO Difficult task to break in my new ones.  No shaking your head, rolling your eyes or judging - we have all done this I am sure in some way.... Please say you have done this and I am not completely nuts.... I told you I have lost the ability to put myself first but I am working on it...

Being a Blessing in Anyway I Can

I stiffened up my back bone to get into the truck to drive down that dirt road after my tire blow out.  Since this has happened three times on that same road I hope you are getting how freaked out I was.  However, I needed to get animal feed, take 28 packages to the Post Office and look at storage sheds.  I can say I held my breath for the 28 miles and when I reached town all I wanted to do was be a puddle of tears but as I have said I am not a gal who will do that in public.  So here are the events

At Post Office with all my packages I gave thanks that my yarns that I created with love will be going to new homes.  I checked them not once, twice but my OCD way of more then four.  I let several folks go ahead of me because they carried only one package.  I found it interesting that several could not believe that someone would do that.... They wanted to argue WHY would I let them go ahead of me.

Next, went to Walmart - I know but only store in that town. As I tried to find the few things on my list I noticed a lady dropped her list.  I grabbed and ran after her and gently said you drop this.  I was not expecting the response - SHE CRIED - Yep I did it again.  She went on to tell me that she had a brain trauma cause by a drunk driver hitting her truck and if she did not have her list she would walk around and go home with nothing.  She hugged me and kept saying "You are my Angel" because her mother was coming for the holidays and all she does is get angry that she can't remember things and do what she did before.  I let her cry it out and told her it is my pleasure to help.

As I got to the so called veggies department there was a sweet little old lady (Pearl) in a motorized cart.  She could not reach the veggies, the bags and was struggling.  I went up to her and asked if I could help.  Yep, she started crying.  So with her list in hand I went with her and gathered her goodies.  All the while she spoke that she is invisible and how much it meant to be seen.  I gave her a hug as I got her to the check out and she assured by that a lady would come to pick her up.  I made sure before I left that this happened.

Now on to the feed store.  MY GOD they were unloading hay...  I got my feed and went to the spot to have it loaded.  There was the quite guy I have dealt with for years - Nathan.  He was not looking right and I simply asked  "Nathan is everything O.K.?"  I mean it I should not open my mouth.  Here this man crumbled into tears and grabbed me for comfort.  It appears his mother is in the final stages of a horrid illness and it is just him and her.  We loaded the truck and I then pulled my truck out of the way - I sat with him outside on bales while I did my best to show him that he is not alone.  He spoke of how much it means to him that someone even spoke to him.  I gave him a hug and told him I am a phone call away.

As I pulled out and started to drive back home I held my breath again as with each bump I freaked and with this road there is nothing but bumps.  My mind went to all those who like me are feeling so out of sorts and I wondered WHY?   When I reached my driveway I gave thanks that I arrived in one piece and that I could be there for a few souls who needed me.  As I unloaded 2 ton of hay I gave thanks to an amazing lady in Tokyo who I have never met who sent me a financial gift that just paid for the hay to keep my animals fed for a little while.  I too cried at the kindness of a stranger who saw me and offered to help.

I hope I can continue to be a BLESSING to someone even it if it just to pick up a dropped paper, load groceries into a cart or give a hug to someone facing a great loss.  For today I will do my best which may not be much but it what I have to offer....

I am willing to change???

I am willing to release my old patterns and negative beliefs.  The power that created me has given me the power to create my new life.  I choose positive, fulfilling new thoughts.  I begin anew, right here, right now.

This affirmation has been stated over and over thousands of times in the past month.  The reflection of my outside world has been so dark for so long that I at times can not even believe in taking another breath.

The past two weeks have been the worst not just because of the passing of my beloved Kasha but much bigger ISSUES.  I don't even know how the past two years have developed into what I sit with today..  I do not even know where to take a step.

I never wish to lay problems on another because it seems that everyone is dealing with so much and are themselves drowning. I am trying to learn to put myself in the front of the line however I have come to realize that I have never learned this skill and now I am not sure if it is too late.

My life for 17 years has been the raising of my two son's,  creating this farm, caring of the animals, making joyfilled fiber offerings and just living as best I can without hurting anyone.  I have supported so many folks over the years and I thought this was part of  my purpose as well.  In their eyes I have always fallen short of giving them every minute to them while never seeing I might be falling in the ditch.  Slowly without me even being aware I kept pushing myself out of the picture until now I can't hear my own heart.

Now my life has fallen away - the farm is lost and sold, I have no place for my animals or myself.  My health is in terrible shape and my mind has left me in dark sorrows. 

I found this place by accident shortly after my husband's death.  With fear but deep understanding that I knew nothing of this life but I knew I could create the life I was meant to live.  Many thought I was nuts including myself at times but there was this soft knowing voice that helped me through each and every dark day.  I have had so many hard knock lessons but still I knew the universe and my will would see me through.

In the worst of times like my son Nick having a stroke at the young age of 28 two years ago I knew and spoke to him that this is the time to change your life - change the way you think - believe in yourself and the universe.  Now my sweet son saw the true colors of his wife and now is getting a divorce and dealing with not being with his two boys everyday.  It has been crushing on so many levels. It also brought out the horrible actions of my husbands family again.  Pain of the Past is back and stepping on my heart.

My youngest son has had his own trails that he is working through and will in time fill his future with all the best that I know is within him. 

My Mother health and mind has been slipping for many years and I have done all I can.  We have healed some of the deep wounds that lived between us but now I have not an ounce left to give.  I have layed to rest so many in my life that the task is beyond me again.

So as I sit and write today I am just unsure where my small inner voice went.  Where did I come to believe that I am not important to be on the list of things to love and take care of?  When did the values and beliefs that have carried me through the worst of times loss strength?.  When did I allow the woes of the world shadow every inch of my being?  Why have I held up so many others but do not seem to have that same support given back?  I have cried more in the past month then all of my 54 years on this planet and I feel no release.  I have questioned every inch of my life to see what did I miss, where was I not kind, how could this all happen?

Here is what in my soul I know - I am a good person, I have tried my best and for this day I will believe that for some reason all this has a purpose even if I can not see it, want it or understand it.   My world 17 years ago crashed away and a new was built - something greater then I could ever imagine.  So I must today believe that I am Loved and Supported by the Universe...

I want to also THANK ALL of you kind souls who have read the stories of my life here and I hope you will read this post as well. I trust this is the first step on my healing and I send Love, Light and Peace to you ALL

MANY THANKS

I want to THANK everyone for the kind words, prayers, and love that you have sent my way during the difficult loss of my sweet Kasha.  The sharing of stories, pain and sorrow I hope will help all to heal from the losses no matter what they may be.

Today I had to go to a town I have not been to in years to deal with unpleasant business that could not wait. As I left the farm I kept saying "Today NOT a Tear - I will get through this mess without a TEAR"   Unlike my normal behavior of just trying to go into a protective bubble and press on without attaching myself to the energy that seems to be our current world I decided to really look and connect up to what is out there - I must say it was not pleasant at all.   I witnessed folks treating others as not worthy of a Please and Thank or at least not to look down their nose at them as if they were subhuman.  What happened to understanding that we all walk with trials and tribulations - you never know what is going on in someone life so could you not just at least be kind.  I heard the lack of compassion in many voices and that the expression on the faces of those on the receiving end broke my heart.  Such sadness, worry and pain. Can no one see what this is doing to us all in the end?

I did it again today - made someone cry because I simple asked "Are You O.K."?  This lady was reduced to a puddle because some stranger bothered to care.  WOW that just made me break into pieces.  I have been blessed to have complete strangers send me love, prayers and concern - how can I get that to those who are in need of this?  

As I returned home tonight drained and crying again I was greeted at the mailbox by the herd of female deer.  As I drove slowly down the drive I noticed in the rear view mirror they were walking right behind the truck and following me up to the house.  When I got to the house they sat themselves down under the front trees and I just stood in THANKS.  For this sad day I can find joy in small things, give my attention to those in need and send back LOVE to all of you who have kept me in your hearts. 

AGAIN I THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH!

First and Last

This is Kasha on her first day here at the farm.  So Sweet, So Tiny and SO TIRED....  My heart would beat faster just watching her sleep and when she ran around you could not help but giggle.  Such Joy and Promise in that little body. 

Through the years this sweet girl has grown in size, responsibility and in my heart.  I never thought it could be possible but I have leaned on her strength more times then I could count and I have been there for her as well.  The countless patrols, the vigil in the barn as babies were soon to arrive, late night talks when I felt I could not make it one more day and the joy filled days laying in the tall buffalo grass in the forest as we listen to owls and soak up the warmth of the sun.  All those snow storms that we have weathered and even the fire this year that I thought might have been our ending.  Some of my favorite days has been when NOTHING happened and we just did our work without a fuss..  Most of all I will miss hearing her barks - I knew each one of her different barks and could hear them even if I was fast asleep (back in the day when I slept).  I feel I have gone deaf since she has been silent for more then a week.

For those who have been following my Dear Sweet Kasha who has been on the slow goodbye it has been for all here at the farm the worst, heart wrenching experience.  Each animal has had their time to say goodbye while she still  drew a breath  she is more then a Livestock Guardian Dog,  she isthe heart of the farm.  She has protected each and every one of us and saved many from the predators who would have ended their lives.  The animals here at the farm share a magical connection that has developed over the 17 years and now all that has been shattered.

This morning Kasha and I spoke and it was decided today was the end.  I went to the grave site that I have been preparing since spring. Last night I collected fleeces to line her final resting place   I had Cashmere from Ebony, Mohair from Sugar, Alpaca from Smokey and Llama from Rosebud.  All of these animals where the leaders of their species and friends to Kasha.  All have left the planet before her but will meet up on the other side.  Once the fleeces where lovenly laid into the grave site I returned to the shop.   I took the big sled and lined it with her wool blankets..  I dug deep and found the strength to lift her in and got her settled.   Out the shop door we went and I took the long trek to the forest.  With each step we spoke of the warm sun shine as each one of the billies walked the fence line and talked with her softly.  My heart was breaking to see how these big guys were hurting so for the loss of their protector..

As I reached the site I could not believe that for once Mother Nature did not grace us with wind.   I could not help but burst into hears and I realized how fraile my Kasha had become but still I would have to gather more strength within and lifted her out of the sled and gently onto the soft bed.  I covered her with the wool blankets and then laid down beside her.  We soaked up the warmth from the sun, listened to the birds sing and remembered all the days that we spent together and how some day we will be back working together in another place and time.  At times I felt like I was not going to be able to find the will to breathe just one more breath.  To know that my life will have such a big hole - I just did not see how I was going to be able to get through this loss.

In the silence I kept feeling like we were not alone.  I lifted my head and turned to the right - there laying under the pine next to us - the Large Buck Deer.  He was watching over us and Kasha raised her head just a bit to smell the air since her sight was gone.  I whispered to her that she was grand enough for the royal king to show.  I was not worried about his presence and laid my head back down.  After about a half hour he got up and slowly walked off.  As he departed  I noticed that Kasha had passed.  That Buck must have sensed the end and knew his duty was done.  I kept still holding my breath  hoping that as so many times before she would gasp and slowly her breathing would continue but this time the body remained still.   I took a handful of each fleece and combed out some of Kasha's white fur and tucked them into the basket I had brought out earlier.   I finished what I could of her burial - covering her with a protective container followed by earth and iced with moss rocks.  More rocks to follow but my body just could not move any more. I headed back to the house to place the basket in the shop and then check on everyone else before I was going to go back to Kasha for some quite reflection. 

As  the sun was lowering in the sky and I thought  I better first do the mailbox.   I put on my chore coat and off I went to take that long walk down the driveway.   Echo's from the Owl's saying their goodbyes sent the water works flowing again -  My God how much more can this gal cry??  Nothing worth the walk was in the box but as I turned and headed back towards the house that feeling washed over me - that gray blanket of sadness that makes you invisible to any hope of joy to reach you again.

I remember this feeling and struggled to keep myself here - not to float off into the space where pain swallows you up.  Everything looks distorted and the air is stale.   I  felt this way when I held my father's hand as the life drained out of his fragile body.  I knew at that moment in time that I would never feel that safe place again where just the sound of his voice could make the worst day seem to be right again.  I could smell his Old Spice for just a brief moment as I clunked down the drive as if my feet where encased in concrete instead of my snow boots..  As I took a few more steps I experienced the feelings of the morning when my husband dropped to the floor of our bedroom never to stand up in the world again. I remembered struggling to get him onto the bed as panic struck his face as he realized he was slipping into a coma.  I entered a four day nightmare that still lingers in the shadows if I sit still too long. Learning how horrible my husbands family could be and the lengths people will go who are raised in greed.  There is a part of my heart that has never recovered from those dark days.

 I decided to just go back to Kasha in hopes of shaking this life draining feelings.. As I walked up I could not believe my eyes.  There around her grave was the 9 female deer who reside here.  All sitting quietly and with such peace around Kasha.  I sat down about 50 yards away and we all just gazed into each others eyes and shared the moment.  About an half hour of this and I needed to go inside - temp was dropping fast and this body was to worn down to attempt the cold.  I slowly stood up and walked back to the house thinking "How many times have I had moments like this?"  How could I exisit without this place?  Then I just stopped in my tracks and gave out several silent prayers.

I am drained to say the least.  I know to some they may think - "Get a grip Grace it is only a dog" and to those people I say "I have lost so much through the years and especially in the last year that you have no idea - but I will count my blessings if I can lose you"...  I know, not very nice but Kasha was worth 100 of most folks.

Safe Journey my Dear Kasha - you have given me more then I ever can explain.

Smells Like Love To Me

This workhorse gal was at it today BIG TIME. With all the goats and llamas being inside their barns for the last three days you can imagine the number of raisins that cover the ground.  Yes, I am a clean freak but also it is not healthy for them to sit on that, breath that or in some cases get that into their food.  Today the mind numbing temps at least did not have the winds with it so out the door I went with shovels, rakes and head phone buds in my ears.  Do this with 4 layers on is like walking in space.  Remember when you were a kid and all bundled up and could hardly walk - Yep that was I....  Just getting you hands around the rake handle is a task with my heavy skiing gloves on but I can not risk my hands to the elements when it is this cold.  Already took  skin off my right index finger the other day when I took my glove off to turn the key to start my truck.  Now I have this bandage on it hoping to quickly heal so I can spin - I have learned how to spin left handed over the many hand injuries but it is not my favorite way to create.

So I started with the girls because it was the most snow to wade through and they seem to poop so much more then they boys.  They sure gave me looks and called me all sorts of names because I made them get out of the barn, stretch their legs and get some sunshine.  Not that is was warm sunshine but still breathing the air, running around and blowing off some steam is needed for all of us. Layer after layer was raked up, shovel up and moved out.  Food containers were cleaned out and placed back.  Then I went to breaking all the ice filled water containers and filling only a few.  Food was put down and then I went outside to get a good look at all and also to snuggle and hug... Yep, that to them and myself can be more important then food, water or air.  Oh the eyelash licking I got, then rubbing on the legs and stories they shared with me about how things have been..  Can't get lost in the loving because  I still had three more places to clean.

Next stop is the small barn that houses Llama Boy, Sherlock, Max, Gilbert, Sly and Cash.  I just want to again clear up the rumors that Llama's DON"T poop in their house WRONG....  All of the llama were able to leave the barns and still they poop in the barn.  In 17 years I can say that the party line of llamas and alpacas not pooping in their barns is just plain a fib....  So I got all the rakes, shovels and such ready and in I went.  Oh My Gosh those boys have missed their daily loving.  I admit with the round the clock schedule I have kept just trying to keep folks alive in this weather there is no time for loving and snuggling.  So before I could do anything I had to let all of them rub on me, lick me, hug me with their huge horns and just get all that out of their system before I began the work.  I have learned it is better to let them do that because otherwise I will be in the middle of a huge fight.  Even Llama Boy had to come up and rub on me and blow in my face.    Don't get me wrong I LIVE FOR THIS but also my energy and body temp was dropping quickly.  Lucky for me it is a small barn and like I said the boys don't poop as much.  The only difference is the boys like to HELP - you know stand on my feet, grab the rake, run in the pile of raisins as I was just getting ready to scoop and last but not least pee on me to show their love while my back is turned.  YIPPEE!!!!

Last is the loafing shed and I admit it I did not get it raked.  The powder and poop was going to give them some extra warmth from the bone chilling ground and so the Big guys and I voted and said it was not necessary.  However, food containers were cleaned, ice broke and all checked.  Now I could go inside and this gal was thrilled about that.  As I finally got my snow boots off and sat on the chair just worn to the bone I decided it would be best to just cool down a bit because I would never be able to peel these sweaty clothes off.  I sipped a little water and just sat - running through my head to make sure I had not forgotten anything before I got out of my chore clothes.  All of a sudden I could smell me - OH MY OH MY - Yep GRACE smells just Lovely.  Between the poop, barn dust, wet dogs and Billie Loving I was one ripe gal.  As I sat there still just trying to get my jelly legs to regain some strength I started to giggle.  How I had missed not having the time to cuddle my charges, how I really do seem to get energy from the sounds and smells of the work I do.  How I still love the smell of my big guys who are so strong and so gentle all in the same body.  How the smell of Llama's are like corn chips and it still amazes me after all these years.  Even weirder I guess is how this gal never really sees my chores as work but rather like playtime.  I remember begging my neighbor to do the animal chores at his house - cleaning the hen house, mucking the stalls and grooming the horses.  I gladly did all of that just to be able to spend time with their animals.  I guess looking back at it the neighbors must have thought what a sucker I was but to me they were the suckers - I got to care and love on animals for as long and as often as I wanted and it did not even cost me a cent. 

As I peeled off my layers I gave thanks for the smells that remind me I had a PERFECT day - SMELLS LIKE LOVE TO ME

Small Worthless Knowledge at -20

It has been so COLD for many days now that sometimes you just have to find something to giggle about or you might just go over the edge... This morning when I went into the hen house and hoped all would still be standing I was greeted with 13 very bitchy girls.  I understand their mood heck I am about ready to go "The Shining with the Axe in the Maze" sorry for the movie reference but for those who remember Jack at the end frozen in the maze with the axe in his had and that look on his face - that just might be me...  Anyway back to the girls.  They hate being locked up but with the bitter subzero temps, howling non stop winds and me not wishing to chase down a hen in the storm I have been keeping them in their coop.  Like little kids they can only get along for short periods of time and then it is the "She is sitting too close, she ate the sunflower seed I wanted and the always MOM, Make her stop looking at me"..Yep, animals get on each others nerves too.

So I was having to hear all the bitching at me, I had some pecking the snow off my boots and pants, while others were just running around like "Chickens with their heads cut off"..  sorry about that visual but they get all worked up and run around in circles - really I guess we all go a little mad sometimes....

I gave them their food along with their treat Popcorn - yep they are my girls because popcorn can make any really bad day a good one.  I filled two bowls with snow (they would rather eat snow then drink the warm water I brought in) and then checked for eggs.  Do I dare hope since Thursday I was so lucky to get 5 eggs from them.  As I bent over and run my glove through the shavings in their nesting boxes, they have taken to covering them in hopes of keeping the Magpies from seeing them I found a lone egg.  Excited and giddy I picked up the egg and just then noticed is was a freshly laid egg and still warm.  Just then my mush brain kicked in and said "OH SHIT".....

I stood for a couple of seconds and just started to laugh - Yep, the girls thought  Mom is going to be running around like a mad women with her head chopped off.... You guessed it - the egg was still wet, the air and glove was so bitter cold and there is the rub... Have not done this one in Oh About 9 or 10 years.  Egg frozen to the glove.  Now I am finishing the hen chores with my left hand and keeping my right hand in my coat pocket trying to protect the egg.  Trust me no easy task since there is much to do to just get out of the hen house.  Once that was done I walked back to the house and had to hear every step of the way everyone bitching at me because they were wanting their feed and water and they did not understand why I was going back to the house.  I yelled "I HAVE AN EGG STUCK TO MY GLOVE DO YOU MIND?"

As I returned to the house I had to go slow and gentle to get my hand out of the glove.  I learned long ago you just don't pull off the egg because the shell breaks.  You also don't run water on it or I would not have warm gloves for the whole day or maybe longer and I would stick to everything outside as well with a moist glove. I employed an old trick I created many many years ago when this happened before - I  just take the hairdryer on low and start to warm the egg up slowly.  By the way if you do it too fast they will explode - how do I know - Yep I have done that too.

So once it started to thaw I peeled the glove slowly off.. Yippee saved the egg.  You might think that is a ton of work for one egg - I would rather do that then waste the hard work that my girl went through to give me this jewel and it saves me one more day from eating a commercial egg. 

So there you have it a long story about the boring life of Grace at - 20 degrees....  Aren't you glad you spent all that time reading this??

It all started with an EGG

I do not know why I tell these stories but maybe it is for someone to see were a spark can grow into a flame.  When I was a little girl in second grade they had the lesson on hatching eggs.  Each day I would run in to see if there was any tiny signs of life coming out to met us.  I would hold my breathe and stare and stare.. I would each day get told by my teacher to "Get Away and SIT IN MY SEAT"  I could not understand why the other children did not seem to care after the novelty wore off.  I on the other hand could talk about nothing else at home and prayed that they would wait to come out until I got to school  the next day.

On that magical day there was 9 sweet wobbly creatures laying on the towels when I came into the classroom.  I screamed with delight and ended up sitting in the corner for my outburst.  I sat there listing to the churping and so worried about the  3 eggs who still sat with no sing of life.  Recess bell rung and all ran out to play.  I stayed behind to ask the teacher what about those 3 eggs.  She replied that they would be thrown away because they are duds.  I did not know what that meant and she stated they had not life in them and she had no need of them.  My heart was broken.  What do you mean they are duds, no purpose, no need - that just could not be. I knew in my heart there was life - I could feel it.  I went outside with tears welling up in my eyes.  Just then I saw her pick up the eggs and put them in the trash can.  She left the room for lunch period and something came over me.  I am always the GOOD girl, the one who follows rules but before I even knew what I was doing I ran into the classroom and looked inside the can.  Two had broken but one was still in perfect condition.  I took off my strawberry red sweater, snatched up the egg and wrapped it around the fragile egg.  I dashed out of the classroom and grabbed my lunchbox.  I put the sweater encased egg into my box and hide them in the cloak room.

All afternoon I worried that someone would find out what I had done and I would be at the principles office before I could blink.  The school bell rang for end of day and I ran to grab my stolen object.  As I walked home holding the box so carefully I talked softly to the little being inside.  I was not sure how my parents would respond - I once again was bring home a problem - I managed to be the magnet for strays, hurt or near death things.  I could not help it...  Before my Mother could even ask how my day was I blurted out the whole sorted story.  With tears in my eyes and rolling down my cheeks my Mother said well we better go to the library and figure out how to hatch this little one.  We kept it in the lunch box and off to the library we went.  A book would solve all.

We came home and with the help of my Father who also could not resist my love for all things in need helped in the creation of a nice homemade incubator in the living room.  I begged my parents to let me sleep next to it and again after much tears they agreed.  By next morning NOTHING.  My sisters teased me at the breakfast table on what a dope  I was to believe it would hatch.  Why if it did not hatch at school would I think it would hatch here?  I kept saying "You'll see, there is a chick in there it is just a bit slow".... Over and Over I kept saying  "BUT I KNOW, I Heard it tell me so"... O.K. another reason why I get those looks.

Two more days went by and now my parents were worried.  I heard my Father say "This is silly - there is no chick in there"  My Mother understood that I needed time to come to that myself.  Just when I was starting to worry a bit myself I decided what it needed was me.  So when everyone went to bed I picked up the egg and sat with it in my hands through the night - staying wide awake and talking softly to it.  In the middle of the early morning a crack appeared.  I thought OH MY GOSH did I squeeze it too hard.  Just then it rocked a bit in my hands and then a small piece of shell fell off.  I was so excited but did not make a sound.  I watched and the crack got bigger and tiny little sounds could be heard.  Do I dare?  I picked a little piece of the shell off and I could see a yellow swatch of it's beak.  Before I knew it I pulled the shell off and there in my hand was this wet and tiny little chick.  I quickly put it under the warmth of the light and ran to get my Father.  I did not share I was part of the birth for fear I might have a long lecture of NOT TOUCHING.  He sat with me just watching the sweet little creature.  He then said to me "Great Job Grace - this little one owes you it's life"  I felt so proud and at the same time so overwhelmed.  Oh My Gosh I am responsible for this tiny little creature....

Day after day, week after week, month after month I saw to the daily care of my new best friend.  EGGIE was his name and he followed me like a dog and spoke to me and no one else.  He sat on a chair next to me at the table and ate his goodies out of my camping bowl.  My mother made me in charge of any droppings but Eggie was so good about waiting most time till we went outside.  He was not allowed to sleep in our bed but my Father made a little enclosure next to my bed for him.  My middle sister was not happy with having a chicken in the bedroom but my Father (the Law maker) told her it was going to be.

I had Eggie for almost a year until my neighbors horrid dog got loose and came to our house and attacked him.  He did not survive and I ran to get my Fathers hunting rifle to shot the dog.  I could hardly carry that rifle but I was going to take this dog off the planet because this was not the first time nor would it be the last thing that this dog would kill something that I loved.  My Father grabbed the rifle from me and said that this is not the way to handle this loss.  We dug a grave, my Mother made a coffin, we had a service and I then spent the night laying with EEgie in the dark.  My father brought me the sleeping bag, flashlight  and my Teddy as I stayed the night to make sure of his peaceful passing. 

I shed buckets of tears for the loss of my Eggie but as my Father said  "Soon all the wonderful times you spent with him will over shadow the sadness".  So every time I see an egg I have a flash of my Eggie.  I also remember that tiny little voice that called to me when all others only saw a dud.  That small spark has been the fire that has burned in me all these years.

 Do you remember your small spark??  I would love to hear - was it the first box of watercolors, or the first chapter book you finished or maybe is was the first song you danced to??
Would love to know what it was that has kept you on your path?