Friday, December 20, 2013

I am willing to change???

I am willing to release my old patterns and negative beliefs.  The power that created me has given me the power to create my new life.  I choose positive, fulfilling new thoughts.  I begin anew, right here, right now.

This affirmation has been stated over and over thousands of times in the past month.  The reflection of my outside world has been so dark for so long that I at times can not even believe in taking another breath.

The past two weeks have been the worst not just because of the passing of my beloved Kasha but much bigger ISSUES.  I don't even know how the past two years have developed into what I sit with today..  I do not even know where to take a step.

I never wish to lay problems on another because it seems that everyone is dealing with so much and are themselves drowning. I am trying to learn to put myself in the front of the line however I have come to realize that I have never learned this skill and now I am not sure if it is too late.

My life for 17 years has been the raising of my two son's,  creating this farm, caring of the animals, making joyfilled fiber offerings and just living as best I can without hurting anyone.  I have supported so many folks over the years and I thought this was part of  my purpose as well.  In their eyes I have always fallen short of giving them every minute to them while never seeing I might be falling in the ditch.  Slowly without me even being aware I kept pushing myself out of the picture until now I can't hear my own heart.

Now my life has fallen away - the farm is lost and sold, I have no place for my animals or myself.  My health is in terrible shape and my mind has left me in dark sorrows. 

I found this place by accident shortly after my husband's death.  With fear but deep understanding that I knew nothing of this life but I knew I could create the life I was meant to live.  Many thought I was nuts including myself at times but there was this soft knowing voice that helped me through each and every dark day.  I have had so many hard knock lessons but still I knew the universe and my will would see me through.

In the worst of times like my son Nick having a stroke at the young age of 28 two years ago I knew and spoke to him that this is the time to change your life - change the way you think - believe in yourself and the universe.  Now my sweet son saw the true colors of his wife and now is getting a divorce and dealing with not being with his two boys everyday.  It has been crushing on so many levels. It also brought out the horrible actions of my husbands family again.  Pain of the Past is back and stepping on my heart.

My youngest son has had his own trails that he is working through and will in time fill his future with all the best that I know is within him. 

My Mother health and mind has been slipping for many years and I have done all I can.  We have healed some of the deep wounds that lived between us but now I have not an ounce left to give.  I have layed to rest so many in my life that the task is beyond me again.

So as I sit and write today I am just unsure where my small inner voice went.  Where did I come to believe that I am not important to be on the list of things to love and take care of?  When did the values and beliefs that have carried me through the worst of times loss strength?.  When did I allow the woes of the world shadow every inch of my being?  Why have I held up so many others but do not seem to have that same support given back?  I have cried more in the past month then all of my 54 years on this planet and I feel no release.  I have questioned every inch of my life to see what did I miss, where was I not kind, how could this all happen?

Here is what in my soul I know - I am a good person, I have tried my best and for this day I will believe that for some reason all this has a purpose even if I can not see it, want it or understand it.   My world 17 years ago crashed away and a new was built - something greater then I could ever imagine.  So I must today believe that I am Loved and Supported by the Universe...

I want to also THANK ALL of you kind souls who have read the stories of my life here and I hope you will read this post as well. I trust this is the first step on my healing and I send Love, Light and Peace to you ALL


18 comments:

Gail said...

I hardly know what to say, I've sort of been where you are-at least the part where I've lost myself. So a few of the things that help me when I'm feeling overwhelmed: Get enough sleep. Sounds so simple but for me everything is worse when I'm tired and you sound tired to your very bones. Second, find one thing you can do today that will make you feel special-warm body lotion in the microwave and smooth it on, sit and spin, whatever. Third, Find one thing you can do today that will help you resolve your problems. Even if it's only cleaning out one closet for the move you must now make. You can't tackle everything in one day, it is paralyzing to attempt it. Lastly, concern yourself only with those things you can change. You can still love your sons, your Mother without fretting over things outside your control. This one was really hard for me, I think it is very easy for women who love much to lose themselves in the needs of others, it can be really hard to find yourself again. I know, I've been working on it for a few years now. I hope you find some breathing space and some peace soon. Blessed Be.

FiberPunkin' said...

I have followed your blog for several years, reading the ups and downs, and the downright hilarious. I have also purchased some of your wonderful yarn. Perhaps this farm is a "stepping stone", if you will, and the Greater GOoD had better plans for you. I know it may be hard to think of it like that at this particular time, but just remember that everything has/will work out as it should. Lots of love and prayers heading your way!

Sheri said...

Just know I am always here for you - ANYTIME. Always. No exceptions. Sending you much light an love.
lor

Michele' preston said...

Oh Grace I have no words to say how sorry I am for all that you are going thur..From what I have learned from you its not you that you are so worried about but your animals & it just kills my heart to hear you are struggling & seem so lost & I am too far away to give you my shoulder to cry on. If I was there your animals would have a safe home until you figured out where to go next & you would have a home as well. I know that does not change your situation but please know I care more than you know...

monica said...

My Dearest Pea Pod, All I can say through my tears is that you are more LOVED than you will ever know! Many hugs and prayers,
M xoxo

LLAbbott said...

My Dearest Grace--- My heart is breaking; hearing this very sad news. Prayers have been said, for what they are worth, but know that you ARE indeed loved for who you are. Sending MUCH LOVE to you and your Sweet Ones.

Andrea Stevens said...

Dear Grace,
Although we've never met in person, I treasure our connection through your blog, Facebook and the beautiful fiber I have purchased from you. I can't begin to imagine what you've been through, but I've fought my own demons and I know how hard they can hit. You are a wonderful, warm, caring person and you not only measure up, you exceed, by far. Don't let the bastards grind you down. I wish I was closer to provide more than a cyber hug and an attagirl, but prayers, light & healing thoughts are on their way, now and always to you, your family and your sweet hooved & furry ones.

ginny said...

Standing in the gap for you, dear Grace. Praying for strength, courage and whatever else you need to get you through this. You are loved by more people than you know and we are rallying behind you.

Split Rock Ranch said...

Dearest Grace, I'm so sorry for the loss of Kasha and for everything else that is like an anchor around your neck, drawing you down. Surrounding you with love and light and praying for some peace in your heart. Much love and many hugs, Brenda @ Split Rock Ranch

zenpony said...

Oh my dear one, I am so sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed. You are loved beyond words, just be still and know that, you ARE love beyond words. Sending love aand light from my heart to yours.

Anonymous said...

Dear Grace,I am at a loss for words but love and prayers for you.
Jalia in Pueblo

Ngo Family Farm said...

Grace, you are loved more than you know. Praying that you find rest and a peaceful heart.
-Jaime

rosemarybythegardengate said...

Grace, I have just come to know you over the past year through FB and your blog and I feel a kinship when I read your words. My heart aches for all you are going through. I am a single mom of 2 boys and know those struggles. I have an ex who doesn't know the real gifts of his sons and my ex in-laws could care less if we had food or shelter. It is a daily struggle, I know.

We are strong women. I push myself every day to get up and keep going. You will make it and it likely won't be easy but know that there are many of us out here that love you and support you and send hugs and prayers up every day. Peace, love and light...Susan at Belfire Farm

Sheep_N_Seek said...

May God's Grace shine upon you, now and always, and my you find great peace and love within you, and for the rest of your days. I am so deeply sad for the difficulty that has come to your life, and am so happy that you have shared so much - your sharing resonates with so many, and helps them in their own struggles.

I hope you will consider writing some books, if for no other reason than to continue to flow in creativity. Your words paint emotion and imagery beautifully, and perfectly. - Tracy at Intention Hill

Anonymous said...

Grace, I know how you feel. I truly do. I have walked through so much pain and heartache and have seen the other side. I want to support and help you, however, whenever I can. However that looks like. Please call me. Sending love and light, Kate Talley 801-850-4445. I'm available 24-7.

ladybug loves lilacs said...

Grace,
I am sending prayers for you. I know how dark things can get I have been there a bit myself this year. Know you are loved dear one and it hurts my heart to know you are going through all of this. There will be good days again, when I cannot say but you will get through. I will continue to pray for you. I hope you will get the rest you need to keep your chin up and looking forward. Wishing I could do more than just send you cyber hugs.
Denise

Melody said...

Oh Grace....

I cried and cried when I read your latest entries. I have been enriched beyond words by knowing you.
You are a STRONG woman and I know you will continue to be STRONG. Another chapter in your life has begun dear friend. You are going to be okay. Please let me know if you need anything. A shoulder to lean on or just someone who cares for you that will listen. Take care Grace. I am thinking of you. Love, Melody

Elizabeth said...

I am so, so sorry. I will be praying for you and your situation - always, always, always when one door closes another opens.

Can you google search to see if there is a farm caretaking opening someone? Maybe they would let you bring your animals along?