I am willing to release my old patterns and negative beliefs. The power that created me has given me the power to create my new life. I choose positive, fulfilling new thoughts. I begin anew, right here, right now.
This affirmation has been stated over and over thousands of times in the past month. The reflection of my outside world has been so dark for so long that I at times can not even believe in taking another breath.
The past two weeks have been the worst not just because of the passing of my beloved Kasha but much bigger ISSUES. I don't even know how the past two years have developed into what I sit with today.. I do not even know where to take a step.
I never wish to lay problems on another because it seems that everyone is dealing with so much and are themselves drowning. I am trying to learn to put myself in the front of the line however I have come to realize that I have never learned this skill and now I am not sure if it is too late.
My life for 17 years has been the raising of my two son's, creating this farm, caring of the animals, making joyfilled fiber offerings and just living as best I can without hurting anyone. I have supported so many folks over the years and I thought this was part of my purpose as well. In their eyes I have always fallen short of giving them every minute to them while never seeing I might be falling in the ditch. Slowly without me even being aware I kept pushing myself out of the picture until now I can't hear my own heart.
Now my life has fallen away - the farm is lost and sold, I have no place for my animals or myself. My health is in terrible shape and my mind has left me in dark sorrows.
I found this place by accident shortly after my husband's death. With fear but deep understanding that I knew nothing of this life but I knew I could create the life I was meant to live. Many thought I was nuts including myself at times but there was this soft knowing voice that helped me through each and every dark day. I have had so many hard knock lessons but still I knew the universe and my will would see me through.
In the worst of times like my son Nick having a stroke at the young age of 28 two years ago I knew and spoke to him that this is the time to change your life - change the way you think - believe in yourself and the universe. Now my sweet son saw the true colors of his wife and now is getting a divorce and dealing with not being with his two boys everyday. It has been crushing on so many levels. It also brought out the horrible actions of my husbands family again. Pain of the Past is back and stepping on my heart.
My youngest son has had his own trails that he is working through and will in time fill his future with all the best that I know is within him.
My Mother health and mind has been slipping for many years and I have done all I can. We have healed some of the deep wounds that lived between us but now I have not an ounce left to give. I have layed to rest so many in my life that the task is beyond me again.
So as I sit and write today I am just unsure where my small inner voice went. Where did I come to believe that I am not important to be on the list of things to love and take care of? When did the values and beliefs that have carried me through the worst of times loss strength?. When did I allow the woes of the world shadow every inch of my being? Why have I held up so many others but do not seem to have that same support given back? I have cried more in the past month then all of my 54 years on this planet and I feel no release. I have questioned every inch of my life to see what did I miss, where was I not kind, how could this all happen?
Here is what in my soul I know - I am a good person, I have tried my best and for this day I will believe that for some reason all this has a purpose even if I can not see it, want it or understand it. My world 17 years ago crashed away and a new was built - something greater then I could ever imagine. So I must today believe that I am Loved and Supported by the Universe...
I want to also THANK ALL of you kind souls who have read the stories of my life here and I hope you will read this post as well. I trust this is the first step on my healing and I send Love, Light and Peace to you ALL