Tuesday with Nick

Had a incredible day with my son Nick!! It was great to see him at his home and doing so well... (This picture is Nick with his dog Chief here at the farm - did not take a picture of him Tuesday - we kind of suck at remembering those kind of things) I think it did both of us good to spend the time together. We went for a 3.5 mile walk in the Colorado sun - nothing better for fixing what needs fixing. We then went to lunch at a Greek restaurant that the kids have been eating at since they could sit at a table - the waiters are these little old men who I always feel are magical - their joy and serve can put a smile on any one's face. A Gyro Plate fills the tummy and the soul..

Then we returned back home. I wanted him to nap a bit but next on Nick's wish list to do with me was make German Christmas Cookies. We worked as a well oiled team - 26 years of practice will do that to you and then off to get Reese from the sitters...

We shared dinner and I then headed home to the farm. On the long drive home I knew my son was on the mend with great things ahead of him. I also had a little bit of time to see in his son's eyes all those fun filled years we shared while Nick learned about the world. He has much more to learn ahead of him but for now my son is on the mend and making Christmas Cookies... Life is grand!!

I again want to take this time to thank you all who kept Nick in the light - I can not express in words how much this means to us and I know it made all the difference in the world. I also want to say again to Carol (DIL Mother) who flew all by herself for the first time to come and take care of Reese and all the needs in their home during this stressful time. Blessings and Thanks Everyone!

Thanksgiving Miracle

I don't even know where to begin - On Wednesday and I was cooking away and running around the house getting work done because Saturday I was to have my kids out to the farm along with the grandson for our round of Thanksgiving... As life would have it for once I was off the phone line when a call came in that would change everything.

My DIL was on the line and stated "Nick has had a stroke they think and he is on the way to the hospital, I will call you back when I know more"

I hung up the phone and took a breath. I then snapped into the routine that I had hoped had left my brain for good some 15 years ago. That way of life that I lived for so long with my husband. The countless trips on auto pilot to get to the emergency room to be by the side of my chronically ill husband. As if on a cellular level I went to work. I took all the food I was cooking off the stove, placed everything in containers and into the freezer. Ran outside and feed, watered and locked up all the animals because who knew what was going to be facing us in the days to come. Running back to the house I took off my work clothes, hopped into a shower and appeared in minutes with city clothes. I packed a bag because I knew it would be needed. I then gathered my wits and waited for the phone to ring again. I did quickly call three prayer circles I work with and asked for help - I knew that was vital...

The phone rang again and it was decided I would come into town and take care of Reese while things where getting sorted out. I drove like the wind all that way into town only to arrive at his house to be instructed to go to the hospital because Nick wanted me there. Back I drove and arrived to find my 27 year old in the ER scared to pieces, flat on his back and with no idea what had caused the stroke.. I had been praying since I got the first call and never stopped even as I listened to all the bites and pieces of information was being tossed around. They placed him into ICU and now started the path to healing. As we sat waiting for test results I heard the story of what had happened and why I believe there are Angel's who watch over us.

While Nick was working in the mountains his felt his left side go limp and a splitting pain shot through his head. He know immediately what was going on but was also not aware that he was not connecting all the dots but in his mind he thought get into the truck and get help - so he got into his truck and decided to leave and head home. Instead of call 911 he tried to call his wife but got no answer. He could have even told his boss who was right there he was having major troubles but something inside of him directed him to go get help. After taking the side of the bosses gutter off the house he proceeded down the mountain. That should have been another clue not to drive but Angels where truly with him because even as his sight was failing and he had trouble steering his truck Nick flashed his lights hoping to get a police officer to help him. He drove and drove without hitting any one or anything else which is amazing.. The drive was on a busy interstate highway and well over 50 miles away from where he was headed so that again is simply amazing. Then Nick finally got to a church parking lot off the busy highway where police stopped him and quickly understood he was in much trouble. The Fire Department and EMT's arrived and he was taken by ambulance to the nearest hospital which just so happens to be the leading hospital for Stroke assistance in our state. They quickly gave him a shot to break the clot in his brain and went to work assessing how to proceed. Rounds of tests where given and we waited to hear why this happened and what we were going to do other then watch the clock and watch every breath Nick took.

I spent the night sitting next to Nick willing the best results to show it's self. I knew that in prayer all things are possible but I had hoped I never would be in this position with my sons because of all the years I had done this with their father. The hospital staff was wonderful as they ran every hour a battery of tests to see if he was improving. Around 3 am in the morning Nick started talking with me, drinking some Ginger Ale and was responding like the old Nick. I knew at that moment he would be fine. The doctor's and nurses where amazed at the speedy recovery he was making and by morning he was talking bike parts and downhill jumps with a physical therapist who was there to see what shape his body was in. After all the tests we still do not have any clear answers (still waiting on some blood panels) but the tests confirm his brain is showing no damage from the stroke, that his heart did not have a tear or malformation and that his body is pouncing back to every one's amazement.

While all of our holiday plans never did happen the way they had been planned - it was a special Thanksgiving. It brought back to us what is really important in life.... I do not wish this on anyone but if it had to happen the outcome was a blessing.

I am thrilled to report Nick went to his home last night and rested comfortably through the night after a long and very hot shower. I wanted to thank Carol (DIL's Mother) who flew in to take care of Reese and give her love and support to her frightened daughter as only a mother can do. To all those friends who stepped in to assist and lend support I thank you - Nick is very lucky. As for me I thank all of those wonderful Earth Bound Angels who are in my life. I know that your prayers, along with the words of love and support made Nick's recovery possible with such speed and grace. I returned to the farm last night - drained but full of hope for my sons full recovery and new life path. This morning as I returned to all the calming routines which are required to run this farm I gave thanks again for all the small and large blessings that I witness each day.

I give thanks for my newest Miracle - the healing of Nick...

Chief has a Stocker

It started a couple of days ago with just Chief minding his own business and watching over the goat girls. He has been working overtime because of the road workers being outside our fence line.

I noticed that Esmeralda was sitting close to him and thought it was because of the strangers. Then I noticed after the crew left she was still working the fence line with him but that is not unheard of because she really does stand guard over the girls. I may not always find her pleasant company and as the winter rolls in my cracked ribs (thanks to her) reminds me daily of her ill will at times. So with all I have to do in my days I did not really give up too many of my gray cells to the event.

As night grew near I again saw her rubbing her head all over him and licking his eye - it's a goat thing.. He sat and took it but gave me a look of horror and disgust... I told him to put her in her place if he was not happy - he is the one to be in charge of the tone of that pasture.

This morning as I was making my coffee and trying to gather my thoughts I looked out the window and this is what I saw. Chief in the corner with his lady love dogging his every move. She looked like a herding dog with it prize sheep cornered for the shepherd. I had to take a couple of pictures and then watched closely to see how long this would continue. Poor Chief!!!

It is now two hours later and she is still having him cornered. Chief knows not to bite but a guy can only put up with so much and then you have to call your Mommy. I could not stand his sad eyes so I went out and told her to leave him alone he is not interested. She walked off and gave me a dirty look which said it all...

See what happens when the girls do not have a strong silent Billy in their pasture!! Some folks just can not live without a man of any type.

Wild Windy Night

Thankful to greet the sun this morning...


Last night the winds gave me a fret filled night - looking out the windows of my log home praying that all would be in one piece and that no creature would come be harmed while riding out another over the top windy night. When I say windy the weather guesser stated we might hit 75 miles an hour out here - Crap I think for once they got it right!!!

All the work I put in this week has paid off because as the sun rose this morning I could see all the barns where standing uprightm the animals came out to greet me and tell me how loud and restless the night was for them as well. The dogs were very tired and wanting tons of hugs and sweet words of love. I walked the farm to make sure we could start to breath again and as I walked back to the house I took a picture of the Pinon Pine that stands in front of my home. Last night when I turned on the porch light this massive guy was swaying like a sapling in the "Wind" but I don't think the name wind does it justice. This morning a icy fog is blanketing the farm and the animals are enjoying the crisp air and their breakfast...

Another stormy night under our belts and blessings of "Thanks" on our lips. For me today I will work in fiber - who am I kidding it is never work to me but play. I will mend my frayed nerves and feed my soul. I will remind myself that life is quick and changes in a blink so enjoy those things we love and give thanks to weather the storm. My wish for you all is to make this a great day because who knows what can happen tonight.

Fall Cleaning Farm Style

There has been many of us Farm Gals talking amongst ourselves about the fact that we do a major cleaning and prep work at this time of year and it has nothing to do with company coming for the holidays. Seriously when is Thanksgiving?? For those who do not live the country life most might not know that our work load is all consuming but during the fall we are always trying to second guess Mother Nature and wishing that the weather guesser might get it right for once.

This week for me I have been on the rush because winter is coming and the farm has to be ready. So I have been up before the chickens and eeking into bed when this gal has lost all strength and energy. Each day I know that others are on this hectic pace right alone with me. It brings me strength and the needed kick in the butt. Here is just a taste of what this old gal has been up to like so many others.

Monday while dealing with the fact that my winter hay was sold out from under me I was scrambling to find a new supply while knowing that the work outside was screaming for my attention. First I gave thanks that I found a supply of hay and that it was going to be delivered today - THANK YOU! This meant I had to run two dozen pallets the length of my farm to have them in place for now these huge bales being delivered. The pallets where ready for the small bales in the barns but now feeding routines have been thrown to the wind. After doing that I caulked all the cracks in the chicken coop that I marked when the last snow storm showed up early. I also taped the outlets and strung all the extension cords in the barns. I raked out the small barn as to give llama boy a safe place out of the storms and checked all the medical supplies and made note of what was needed - not much. Then I moved all the extra 10 foot panels to their winter location so they would be ready for quick retrieval if needed. By this time it is now 4 pm and the huge hay is delivered - Oh my Gosh how in the heck I am going to feed this?? I gave thanks that I have a food source for my sweet one's and I will deal with this in good time. Then into the house and on to the business of my fiber business. Bed at 11 pm and out before my head hit the pillow.

Tuesday was fiber business work - washing a couple of fleeces, have a dye pot going and then trying to get products labeled and shelved. I dealt with small projects that nag at me but I know will not get done unless I get my butt in gear. Then there was the phone calls, letter writing, computer work (the part of my work I really do not like) and all the other things that life requires. Wished I could have been outside working but the wind would not let up... As for figuring out the Big Bales. Here is Graceful Grace - I took the wire cutters with me early to feed. I was standing in front of the bale and with all my might finally got one by one the wires cut but without thinking as I cut the last the compressed 1500 pounds of hay sprung forward and Grace flew on her back with a a third of the hay on top of me. Boy was that stupid!! Wind knocked out of me and laying there with the knowledge that this is really going to hurt in about four hours... So this was not the best way - live and learn. Went about the chores and into the house. I am going to be black and blue and hurt all over but heck I have hay!!! No time to whine tomorrow the work will still be there.

Wednesday I was again up with the chickens and today is tearing down the crappy garden fence that the previous owners put up. Over the years I have hated it every time I looked out the kitchen window or walked by it on the way to chores. It was falling down and a mess so with shovel and hammer in hand I went to take it apart. It was a great release of anger and disappointment over recent events in my life - better and cheaper then therapy. Three hours later I have stacks of crappy wood to remove - that part has not happened yet. Then I was off to collect all the winter feeding bins and water containers. A hard scrubbing and then gathering my strength to carry them or drag them into their locals for hopefully ease access. I say that with tongue and cheek because that all depends on the storms we get, which direction the drifts land and if the high winds do not decide to deposit them to the farthest reaches of my pastures... I also decided while in the goat girls barn to clip the poopie butts of the bottle kids and since I had the scissors in my hands it would be a great time to get the three wild girls clipped. Not an easy task when it is just me. Imagine catching a bucking bronco by the sharp horns, pull it to the corner of the catch pen I constructed, convince her to breath and let me lean on her and then quickly go to work with my scissor to remove the tags and felted lockets that can not be used. Once I get started they usually calm down but you never let you guard down - that is how you can get hurt or you could cut the animal. There goes another four hours and standing bent over for that long was the end of me after the hay accident. I cleaned up the unusable fleece, bagged it and slowly walked it down to the road trash cans. Got the mail and started back to the house - with each step my body was complaining but my heart and spirit was high because I knew I put in a good day's work..

Thursday as my body was not thrilled to hear that outside work was on the schedule again I had a strong cup of coffee and out the door I went. Today's list is taking all the logs, metal drums and what I call play equipment for the big goat boys out of their spring/summer digs and move it to their winter digs. This will keep them focused on playing with those items and not taking their homes apart or worse each other. Just think of it like this - 20 energetic young boys stuck inside because school is cancelled, the weather is to bad to play outside - you know what that is like, none stop chaos and destruction. I then took my can of fencing nails and walked the whole farm fixing what needed to be fixed so when the drifts hit I wont have to be worried that animals could get out. Next came rewiring gates because the two year old billies got a wild hair up the butts and started fighting with the gate - silly billies. As I was wagging my finger at the boys for causing me much work I notice one was pawing on the ground. I went over and there was something shining back up at me. Between the two of us we dug a bit more and it was metal - metal what?? So off to get a shovel. Now like a dog with a bone I had to get it up. Two hours later and I can not tell you how much hard work I got it out - it was a 10 foot gate.. Now how in the heck did that get 6 inch's down in the grass and dirt - how long has it been there - too tired to question that now I have to drag it the length of the farm to the winter housing.

Now I was going to be racing against the sun - I raked 2 dozen wheel barrels full of llama beans and distributed it to the pine trees for winter feeding and filling in the holes that my sweet dogs dig. Nothing worse the walking and twisting an ankle - or even worse getting my snowshoe caught and I take a face plant into the snow... As the sun is now down it is time to get in the house and peel off the smelly, dirty clothes. Boy does the shower feel great..

So here it is Friday and the wind has been howling again.... Not sure when or if it will settle but as I look around the farm and know I am almost ready for the next big storm. Now I hope you do not think I am complaining - it is anything but - this week has been fantastic in my mind, body (even with it's black and blue marks) and more over my soul. A real feel of purpose and drive is within me during my work outside. For every minute I spend getting ready means the ability to handle what Mother Nature might throw at me. As anyone who lives in the country we can plan, work and prepare but every year we are thrown a new curve ball and we get through it and next year we add it to our list of things to know and do.

Good luck everyone with your Fall Cleaning

4 Mice Night

I guess it was colder then I thought - I went to bed with a hot cup of coco and a an extra blanket on the bed with hopes of getting a sound sleep and relief from my back pain.

When I awoke this morning I checked the traps and it was a full house - guess they where hoping for a warmer place to get through the night...

The one thing I thought of was take them out for the little Mink who lives here. I found his new digs and so I walked the bounty out to his door and placed them on the ground. I came back less the 5 minutes later and all four bodies where gone. See helped little Mink from having to go shopping today.....

Traps are back in their place and the morning here starts. For me breakfast was homemade French Toast and two LFF morning fresh hen eggs over easy. No Bacon and No Mice!!!

In Honor of Bella

As I promised on the Etsy listing here are some close up pictures of my newest Hand Spun Component Art Yarn "My Bella" is it's name. I spun this yarn after the passing of my Sweet Baby Bella and I can not tell you how much peace and joy it brought me. The Cashmere in this yarn is from Bella Adoptive Mother "Mother Goose" and the colors represented all the happiness and great memories Bella sweet short life brought me. I hope you enjoy viewing this yarn and I hope that the two skeins find a loving new home.

As always I would love to hear what you think of my work - I am always striving to provide new and interesting items for those talented hands out there...

Thank you Bella for being in my life..

Where Does Inspriation Come From ?

While sitting in front of my carding machine in the fiber prep room I started thinking what to make, what color trend is on the horizon, what would those out there want to see??? Then my stomach growled and my thoughts went to "What in the world I am eating today?" Then it hit me and a went around the room gathering up the ingredients to make this offering.

1/3 Spaced Dyed Organic Merino Lambs Wool, 1/3 Teddy Bear Brown Organic Shetland Lambs wool and 1/3 Chile Pepper Red Organic Clun Forest Lambs Wool. I had dyed all the fibers about a month ago and so they where waiting and eager to be used. Then I took all the love and attention I can give while carding and the final result is "Boston Baked Beans"

Such a soft, bouncy, eye tempting, hand tingling fiber batt - I just love this Batt - but still "What in the world am I going to be eating?"

Eat Your Greens

One jar for me and one jar for the hens - around here it is share and share alike.

I start the sprouting jars each Sunday and by the end of the week I harvest the tiny greens for not only my enjoyment but the delight of my hens. They run towards me when I bring out the Saturday bounty like it has been months since they last tasted them. During the winter it is very had for all of us to get our greens - this is one way I can do it without ever having to leave the farm.... Eat those GREENS!!!

Work Never Done

After a night of my Guardian Dogs barking and me walking around with spotlights searching the pastures and having no idea what has gotten them going in the wee hours of the morning. Nothing one can do about the lack of sleep but it does make me feel that I am not alone in this when I look out the window as I make my breakfast and see my hard working Llama Boy. He sleeps less then I and is always watching over us all here at the farm.

You are my Hero and Champion - I am so very lucky to share the wee morning with you...

Berry Patch

Does my life make a difference ? I am only a thought away from changing my reality....

I let out the song that was within me and this is the result. Hand Painted and Much Loved yarn!!!!

The yarn is the cooperation of Melt in your hand Merino Sheep, Hard working Silk Worms, Captivating Cashmere Goats and Bouncing Angora Bunnies. Then I added what talent I might have by getting out the dyes, paint brushes and hot water and had a great hour painting, playing and loving the process....

This yarn may not change the world but I believe through our heart songs we can bring about great change. This yarn will soon be up to finding new homes on my Etsy shop. You will find it under "Berry Patch". In this Textured Art Yarn you will find blues, purples, raspberries and bush greens. As you run your fingers across it you can feel the outstanding texture while enjoying the soft handle.

I hope your creative spirit is soaring with the possibilities waiting in this yarn.

A Slice of My World

Thought I would show you where my fiber and I play together!!!

This is my fiber prep room but to be honest every room in my house lives my passions of creating...

I can get lost in all the joy that comes to me while doing what my heart calls out for to me create. My wheels upstairs call for my full attention while I get the fiber ready for what the spirit is designing. The pots of water are bubbling away impatiently on the stove, wanting the magic to happen when I stir in the colors that will tempt my hands into creating a one of a kind item that will fit the needs of someone who I have never met at the farthest reaches of the world.

Just pass the door is the farm shop that stands full of the goodies I create and now sell online. Since I have been selling online for the past 6 years I really do not open this shop up to the general public - I just have not enough time to do it all and in need of another set of hands...

I hope the pictures posted here will give you a peek into my world in just one room, my joy which I find in the work I do and my purpose of each day for caring and loving my sweet one's who share this farm with me.

Allowing vs Control

While I sat in my fiber prep room thinking I was allowing the flow of creative spirit roll from my sweet one's lush fiber through my fingers onto the carding machine I felt a shift in myself. A small voice was whispering and I could feel the earth rise up... I turned my head and looked out the french doors next to the table and saw the Moon so full rising above the eastern horizon. I took out my earphones and heard the soft hum outside. It was Llama Boy walking around the house giving the greeting that comes from his connection with Mother Earth. I could hear the little billy goats banging horns and jumping on the metal drums in their pen playing with full abandonment. Chief was running the fence line barking and announcing to all around that he was on the job for the night and had rounded up the goat girls and placed them in their barn for the night. The hens were crossing the backyard towards their coop to get the best spot on the roost under the heat lamp. All this without them wearing a watch...

While humans have decided to control the time around them - Fall Back, Spring Forward - what a stupid idea - the animals go with the flow and enjoy each day without looking for more time, more work, more control. I stood in amazement at this site even when I have seen it so many times over the years here but still it takes my breath away. I stand as if I am seeing it for the first time and maybe I am -- with new eyes!! New thoughts! New appreciation!

Try for tonight on this 11/11/11 to stop the clock for awhile and connect, breath and see what comes....... Would love to hear from you and I will share what comes to and through me - DEAL???

What is on your Gray Cells?

"Of all the things one says and does I look back on what Never Was then think of all that life could be if I could capture what I see"

This has been rolling around and around inside my mind what is standing on your gray cells today?

To Live in Neverwas

I am getting back to living in the world of "Neverwas" A place of freedom, dreams and hope filled thoughts of all that we can be.

I walked into the forest that resides on the farm that is magical and dream like but grounds me in possibilities and peace. Many a folk have walked amongst the sky reaching pines and wonder the small and large questions of the universe while missing the kingdom of "Neverwas". I step on the soft ground speckled with moss covered rocks and feel the earth rise up to greet me with stories of long ago and predictions of out stretched futures. As I sit in the rocking chair that rests silently under a grove of whispering pines I relax and drink in the energy of this hidden place. As I slowly start to rock to the wind in the trees I noticed siting not more then 10 feet away from me is the smaller herd of the gentle deer who call this farm their home. I walked past them caught up in my own so called problems without even noticing them laying in the scrub oak. They did not leave their afternoon slumber but rather gave me glances as if to say "Where have you been - it has been far too long since we sat together" Not a word was spoken but long conversations ensued between us.

As I sat slowly rocking in quite meditation I found my breathing getting slower and calmer - The tightness in my chest was gone, the whirling thoughts that occupy my mind to the point of distraction stopped and began to melt away into nothingness. I was in the place of "Neverwas" - the place that only a few can reach when the masks of daily life are pulled away and you walk through the other side to a Kingdom of possibilities. I could hear the breathing of those gentle creatures so close to me and being so thankful that they share their space with this whirling girl who can not find a moments peace in the land of the dreams unspoken. How do we lose sight of all the wonders that we come into this world with and more importantly how do we get them back???

Oh to live in the world of "Neverwas" - it takes just a few steps, a leap of faith and some great spirits who sit in silence with you and dream of what we know is the true life within us. Are we brave enough to build a world that others may not see, may not believe in, a land in which there is nothing to fear but those limits we place in our path. Do you live in a land of Neverwas or the wasteland of Neverwill???

Hope and Healing

Mother Goose has been struggling with saying Goodbye to sweet Bella. Several times during the day when I check on her I have to bring Bella lifeless body out to show her that she is really gone. We go thru the greiving process all over again and then she walks off leaving me to worry about her.

On Monday I put Mother Goose in with the other girls hoping she would perk up with the girls daily activities and even their bossy nature.. I told the girls to help her through this but they were dealing with the bone chilling temps and the hunt for tender nibbles in their pasture.

As I worked over the boiling pots in the kitchen I glanced out the window and what did I see - TRUE LOVE AND COMPASSION. Not by the will of the goat girls but rather by the kind hearted fur bound guardian - Chief!!

I got out the binoculars and gazed on the love being shared. There sat Cheif next to Mother Goose on the small moss and rock out cropping. Mother Goose pressed against his broad shoulder as he licked her face and eyes with such care and compassion. She in turn rubbed her face on his downy soft shoulder using ever inch of his massive body to comfort her sorrow and pain. They sat there repeating this over and over again without a thought of the world passing them by. I wondered how long Chief would do this - Chief has grown up with Mother Goose although she never has been kind to him. She understands his job of watcher and protector but never has she even napped close to him. What words have been shared by them, does Chief understand her loss and pain?? I know he has felt mine as I sat in the barn crying when I would sit with Bella in my arms as Mother Goose would relive the loss and trying to come to terms. Did he fell the same loss or just undersood the need to be the strong once again.... Such a magical moment I got to witness. When folks ask me WHY do I do what I do - Today is the answer... To see such love, compassion and strength shared gives me reason and strength to carry on...

I wished I could have gotten a picture of this moment but I did not dare to leave the house and ruin the moment. It will be locked in my mind and heart for as long as I live. What a Memory!!

Wonky Egg - Wonky Life

Strange but still TRUE!!! This egg this morning is anything but the normal shape - very elongated but I hope you can see the turquoise band around the back end of the egg... This must have been a strange laying but I think maybe the egg got stuck a bit on the way out and this concentration of color is proof of it.

None of the girls where walking funny this morning but again they never really complain - who am I kidding, there are some in this coop who never have a quite word, every event in their life is met with such noise and feather ruffling that you think the "Sky is Falling" and they never are happy with the amount of treats they receive or the spot on the roost they have chosen...

Remind us of anyone we know?? This day I took stock in the lesson of this egg and what those hens gave me. Yes, I too can think my world is coming to an end when too many bad things string together, or when no matter how hard I work the end result just never seems to measure up to the general standards, or how about getting stuck trying to produce something of value but very few even notice the effort but then I remember I have chosen all these things in one way or another and so I need to give thanks for those things I do, for those things that fall short of the mark and know that if I am lucky enough to get tomorrow I can give it my all and be thankful for what happens.

What is your wonky egg this week??

Cleaning the Sadness Away

Loss is a part of life and goodness knows I have had my share of it - not as much as some but more then others. It is never fair to compare someones grief with your own. I have had to be the one to give the final words of care on my father and my husband. I have given my goodbyes to more friends that I have alive today and let's not even talk about my four legged furry family members but through this all I have also struggled with how does one go through the process and come out a stronger person.

Here again I say there is no wrong or right way. Thousands of books have been written, groups meet hourly, large bottles of liquid spirits are consumed or whole pints of ice cream are spooned into the emptiness as the tears water down the frozen empty calories. Others sit in prayer and look for meaning to it all while believing there is a plan in motion..

I have been known to do all of those except the ice cream thing - not a comfort food to me Mashed Potatoes are my thing but what is more common for this gal is to CLEAN and we are not talking about dusting around the nick knacks, we are talking about full on, OCD Monk style cleaning.. It can look very manic but it is how I deal with things.. So feeling overwhelmed by this latest loss and not able to get a grip on WHY in the WORLD I am still doing this - I knew that I had to do something. My first thought was not to clean ( Yes, I was attempting to change a behavior pattern) so I thought take a shower and warm these tired, sad bones. I stepped into the shower excited to feel the hot water on this weary soul and as I just got wet the shower head fell off and I had water going on the ceiling, over the shower curtain and just about everywhere except the tub. I shut it down grabbed a towel and wrench to see what in the Heck is messed up now. The two washers had fallen apart - GREAT!! So I dried off and thought screw this I am cleaning...

On went the rubber gloves, the water pail out and the cleaning supplies in hand. I started on the large bathroom which is now covered in wet hay because I had not cleaned up after the night on the floor with Bella, the stacks of towels used in her care luckily are now drinking up all that water and then there are the dead flies laying with feet up to the sky (cold weather killed more in the night, about 10 million) and the air was full of four letter words that I was screaming out to the universe... I think God will forgive me for this outburst at least I hope so... I then put the earplugs in and started listening to a inspirational book on disk which I had hoped would bring me clarity.. It is one that I have listened to often and each time heard something new and important.. Hour after hour went by as the toothbrush became flat with my scrubbing - that is right I use a toothbrush to clean those tiny cracks that go unnoticed. Ask my sons what a nutter I become when I am cleaning...

After that bathroom was spotless I moved on to the smaller one that I never use. The shower is similar to one of those you would find in a tiny NY apartment. You know the kind that does not allow you to bend over but rather you have to fold youself several times to reach your toes. I can not stand the feel of it and since the boys have left I never use it. I put in another round of the book in the CD player and off I went. With a new toothbrush in hand I was ready to bend this room to my will. I cleaned out the medicine cabinets of all the boxes that were sitting unopened since 2003 - you see I do not get sick much or believe in taking a bunch of pills but I do have some just in case I am snowed in and decided to get sick. I got rid of the dozens of lotions, potions and nail polish that ether my body did not like or I realized I would never wear - weak moments in the makeup section, What Was I THINKING? I then moved on to the hall closet thinking if there is that many outdated bottles in the bathroom what must be hiding in that closet. You guessed it - a whole day cleaning, nine sacks of no longer worthy or used items and buckets of tears later I stopped the cleaning and sat down. I started at 9 am and it was now 6 pm - my how time flies when your trying to mend your heart and clear your mind.

During this cleaning frenzy I walked out to the barn to check every two hours on Wynonna and Goldie and gave them a bit of formula with tons of hugs and snuggles, best medicine around.

I wish I could report that I am right as rain, that my heart is lighter, that I have found new purpose in this newest loss but that would be a lie - All I have to show for this day is very puffy red eyes, a nose that resembles that famous Reindeer and two hospital spotless bathrooms and a very organized hall closet that would put Martha S to shame. Oh and now that those are cleaned the rest of this house looks like a bomb hit it. So I guess I have more grief work to do today because this gal has no ice cream in the house, I never drink alone nor do I spin when my spirit is not in a joy filled place - I believe that energy goes into the yarn and that is not what I am about or want to send to anyone else. I am not sure what part of the house will get my insane attention today but where ever it is it needs to be afraid, very afraid because this SAD GAL has her rubber gloves already on....

As I was writing this I was wondering how do others deal with life's large pot holes, speed bumps or life altering cow pies??? It is with sharing that we all grow - need any cleaning advise I am your gal...

A Blizzard Can't Cover My Tears

It has been a very hard 19 hours here at the farm. Not only is Mother Nature giving me a blizzard to contend with but at 10 pm last night after a barn check on the goat girls I carried into the house a very ill Bella... This poor sweet girl has had a hard short life. For those who do not know she was born 2/7/11 to Maggie (a wonderful Mother) but for some reason they where not thriving with her and she gave up taking care of them. So in the fashion of my life in the house the babies came and did fantastic with my attention and care. When Mother Goose lost her baby I brought the girls out and she took to them right away. The girls thrived and I thought life was good. Then the sister to Bella was playing around jumping on and off Mother Gooses back as is common and a freak accident happened - she hit the barn walk and broke her neck. Bella and Mother Goose were so upset that it took weeks to get them back to normal eating and behavior. Bella was doing wonderful with her new Mommy and again I thought life was good. Then Bella developed a bit of a problem belly - not unheard of in a baby who has had so many early issues. However, it was easily treated with a watchful diet and soda. After several months I believed life was good again...

Then on Halloween morning the farm was under attack from a stray dog. As my three dogs tried to chase after it - the dog was chasing and trying to reach my goat girls and babies. Luckily, the hard work of Chief kept it at bay and I went after it with my Shepard's hook and chased it away. So for that day I watched closely that it did not return and that all calmed down with the animals. The bottle kids and Bella where shaking and so frightened that they spent all the time while I was in the barn in my lap and arms crying and shaking. I watched them closely because Wynonna and Goldie are experiencing the runs and Bella was revisited with blot issues. Giving some medication for the runs is the plan for the two and Bella I brought into the house last night to keep a closer eye on her. Let me tell you Mother Goose was not happy but I think she understood the reasons behind it. She gave a lick to Bella's face and talked the whole time as I wrapped her up and started out of the barn. Through thigh high snow we went and reached the kitchen door wet and cold.

Through the night the blot got worse and all my tricks and knowledge including medication was not helping so early this morning I even made the cut to her side to see if that might stop this in it's tracks. I have had to do this to sheep over the years and I read the books again before doing this last ditch effort. It gave her some relief but after the pain left her tummy it was clear that this sweet one was going to pass.. At least it would not be in pain and I would be with her..

She passed in my arms looking up at me. The buckets of tears that have been shed for this girl has been many but the wonderful times far out weight the sadness... I have been lucky to have 8 months with this amazing little girl - I was blessed to save her so many times and with each save give her more time to live the great life of a goat. She was very much loved by her birth mother, her adopted mother and by her human mother. I admit today all I can do is cry for the loss but in my heart I am also remembering all the wonderful times with her. For all those who have over the months wished Bella well I thank you. For those of you reading her story today would you be so kind as to say a prayer for her. While your at it if it is not too much - would you say a couple for the two sweet kids who are still battling their own tummy issues.

Blessings and thank you for letting me share.