Cleaning the Sadness Away

Loss is a part of life and goodness knows I have had my share of it - not as much as some but more then others. It is never fair to compare someones grief with your own. I have had to be the one to give the final words of care on my father and my husband. I have given my goodbyes to more friends that I have alive today and let's not even talk about my four legged furry family members but through this all I have also struggled with how does one go through the process and come out a stronger person.

Here again I say there is no wrong or right way. Thousands of books have been written, groups meet hourly, large bottles of liquid spirits are consumed or whole pints of ice cream are spooned into the emptiness as the tears water down the frozen empty calories. Others sit in prayer and look for meaning to it all while believing there is a plan in motion..

I have been known to do all of those except the ice cream thing - not a comfort food to me Mashed Potatoes are my thing but what is more common for this gal is to CLEAN and we are not talking about dusting around the nick knacks, we are talking about full on, OCD Monk style cleaning.. It can look very manic but it is how I deal with things.. So feeling overwhelmed by this latest loss and not able to get a grip on WHY in the WORLD I am still doing this - I knew that I had to do something. My first thought was not to clean ( Yes, I was attempting to change a behavior pattern) so I thought take a shower and warm these tired, sad bones. I stepped into the shower excited to feel the hot water on this weary soul and as I just got wet the shower head fell off and I had water going on the ceiling, over the shower curtain and just about everywhere except the tub. I shut it down grabbed a towel and wrench to see what in the Heck is messed up now. The two washers had fallen apart - GREAT!! So I dried off and thought screw this I am cleaning...

On went the rubber gloves, the water pail out and the cleaning supplies in hand. I started on the large bathroom which is now covered in wet hay because I had not cleaned up after the night on the floor with Bella, the stacks of towels used in her care luckily are now drinking up all that water and then there are the dead flies laying with feet up to the sky (cold weather killed more in the night, about 10 million) and the air was full of four letter words that I was screaming out to the universe... I think God will forgive me for this outburst at least I hope so... I then put the earplugs in and started listening to a inspirational book on disk which I had hoped would bring me clarity.. It is one that I have listened to often and each time heard something new and important.. Hour after hour went by as the toothbrush became flat with my scrubbing - that is right I use a toothbrush to clean those tiny cracks that go unnoticed. Ask my sons what a nutter I become when I am cleaning...

After that bathroom was spotless I moved on to the smaller one that I never use. The shower is similar to one of those you would find in a tiny NY apartment. You know the kind that does not allow you to bend over but rather you have to fold youself several times to reach your toes. I can not stand the feel of it and since the boys have left I never use it. I put in another round of the book in the CD player and off I went. With a new toothbrush in hand I was ready to bend this room to my will. I cleaned out the medicine cabinets of all the boxes that were sitting unopened since 2003 - you see I do not get sick much or believe in taking a bunch of pills but I do have some just in case I am snowed in and decided to get sick. I got rid of the dozens of lotions, potions and nail polish that ether my body did not like or I realized I would never wear - weak moments in the makeup section, What Was I THINKING? I then moved on to the hall closet thinking if there is that many outdated bottles in the bathroom what must be hiding in that closet. You guessed it - a whole day cleaning, nine sacks of no longer worthy or used items and buckets of tears later I stopped the cleaning and sat down. I started at 9 am and it was now 6 pm - my how time flies when your trying to mend your heart and clear your mind.

During this cleaning frenzy I walked out to the barn to check every two hours on Wynonna and Goldie and gave them a bit of formula with tons of hugs and snuggles, best medicine around.

I wish I could report that I am right as rain, that my heart is lighter, that I have found new purpose in this newest loss but that would be a lie - All I have to show for this day is very puffy red eyes, a nose that resembles that famous Reindeer and two hospital spotless bathrooms and a very organized hall closet that would put Martha S to shame. Oh and now that those are cleaned the rest of this house looks like a bomb hit it. So I guess I have more grief work to do today because this gal has no ice cream in the house, I never drink alone nor do I spin when my spirit is not in a joy filled place - I believe that energy goes into the yarn and that is not what I am about or want to send to anyone else. I am not sure what part of the house will get my insane attention today but where ever it is it needs to be afraid, very afraid because this SAD GAL has her rubber gloves already on....

As I was writing this I was wondering how do others deal with life's large pot holes, speed bumps or life altering cow pies??? It is with sharing that we all grow - need any cleaning advise I am your gal...