Last Day - Full Tilt

When my oldest son started ice climbing my mother and friends would ask me "How in the world could you let him do something so dangerous?" My answer was something like this "I would much rather have my son die doing something he loves then to go by being hit by a drunk driver so something not of his choice." Now to some folks I know you are gasping and wondering what kind of heartless person/Mother am I but I have to say "Wouldn't we all rather go out with joy in our heart then dread and despair???" I know I sure want to go out standing straight and with giving it my all.

Keeping this in mind I must share this even as I am writing this while still crying. This afternoon while awaiting the birth of more goat babies I was sitting and watching all the little goat kids playing full force - running, jumping, hopping and just having the best time in the world. I kept saying to myself "I am the luckiest person in the world, my job has such joy."

As one of the girls had been pushing trying to get the second baby out I looked over to the pen where Mother Goose and the twins where having a ball... The two girls where jumping on and off their adopted mother's back - a game that all little furry four legged do and with wild abandonment. As my brain said "What a true blessing that the girls have Mother Goose" the unthinkable happened. The smallest one - who I called PEE elope because she always managed to pee on my slippers - jumped up onto Mother Gooses back and slid sideways. Within a blink of my eyes she crashed into the side of the metal tubing that runs along the walls. Her little neck in that instant snapped. I flew out of my chair and over the gate panel to get to her but in that second she was gone. I picked her limp body up and just started crying uncontrollably. OH MY GOD!!! I screamed. I scared the whole barn. It was as if someone had stabbed my in the heart - how could this be?? After all the trials and troubles - all the work, love and promise - OH MY GOD!!!

I took her body out of the pen with me and knew I had to get a grip. I had a mother trying to deliver her second baby... I had Mother Goose who had already lost one baby and now this!! I had the remaining little girl who was needing a mother to stick with her and care for her. I could not fall apart into a puddle... Yeah Right!!! I found myself sitting with my lost little one in the dark corner of the barn just sobbing. I again understand that I am very tired, that this is the worst week for me and my past losses. I get all that but we were having such fun one minute and then it is over..

I pulled myself together long enough to check the babies over and see the sex's and do their cords. I got my new Mom a dry bed of straw, fresh water and waited till the sack was passed and she had nursed them both. Then I went back to my corner, picked up my lost one and cried some more. Just then Ebony reminded me that it was past dinner time for them and would I please remember those who where here...

I went about getting the chores done and wrapped the little one in a blanket to carry back to the house. As I checked again on the newest kids and made sure they where nursing again I went over to Mother Goose. She gave me a look that let me know that I had to remember what I truly believe in. There was the second girl jumping, playing and having a great time with the kids in the next pen. For a moment I thought - "Shouldn't she be upset, miss her sister, sit down and ponder the great loss?" Then I wondered wouldn't she be safer with me in the house?? I could keep her safer, I would not let her do dangerous things but that would mean she could not be the goat she was born to be. I thought "I am not that kind of a parent" - "There is no guarantees in life." Just then Mother Goose licked my hand. She gave me that look again and I bent over the gate to kiss her forehead. I GOT IT!!! I UNDERSTOOD!!!

I have always said to folks - "If this was the last day of your life did you live it too it's fullest? If Not, what are you going to do differently?" I GOT IT!! It may suck at the moment but I GOT IT!!! Today, this tiny soul had managed to live 10 full days when she might not have made it thru the first. She brought such joy to my world for those 10 days which I would not have had if I was not luckily enough to save her. She got to play full tilt with her sister and be with her barn mates for the best couple of days EVER!!! That little one LIVED FULL TILT and for that I am grateful..

So as I am still a puddle of tears I know in my heart that was her best day ever and I am thankful for this day too... I hope with all my heart that when my last day comes I will have been living FULL TILT..