Grace - Be the MUSK OX

It has been anything but workable in my world of late and NONE of it was of my doing.  Have you every had "SHIT HIT THE FAN" and it all belonged to others?  I know you have and it seems as if my lot in life presently is just that... Reconfirm so life lessons I thought I was done with but guess the universe really wanted to make sure.  Without going into all the drama which only goes to feed the monster of negativity  let's just say I had to sit with Elvira the stray cat in the cold today to eagerly pet the heck out of her.  Lucky for me she loves it at least she purrrrrr's through it and licks my face so I will take that as Elivra is not upset with my need to stoke something soft and loving so I won't go postal.

I remind myself that there are hundreds, thousands if not millions in the world who are dealing with something similar or worse so who am I to piss and moan.  So as I soaked my feet tonight, cleared out junk files on the computer and GAVE THANKS that I can breath and pet a kitty I searched for new adventures which will fill me up instead of sucking the life right out of me..

I treated myself to something to put a smile on my face and a chuckle in my belly.    Lucky for me it does not take much.  A GREAT Poster of a Musk Ox in the Arctic Tundra.  My love for these amazing creatures goes beyond common sense - they show me that one can thrive in the worst conditions and be strong and magical.  They show me in their eyes that their wisdom is gained not by the easy sunny days but rather the blizzards they face and the bitter sting of life.  I just LOVE and Honor them.  I think if I ever got a tattoo it would be a full on face of one of these creatures.  I keep trying to post a picture of this poster so you can see what is giving me strength and giggles this week but it just is not happening.  So goes my week.

I would love to hear what you might look at that pulls you through the tough times...  Or do you have even a tattoo that was your turning point to dig deep and find that strength you never knew you had?  So tonight I will summon up my Musk Ox spirit and press on thru the bleek mental and emtional tundra for I know I have gotten through worse and am stronger for it.

Love, Light and Strength

HELP PLEASE - lost blogs I follow

I had a computer brain fart and it wiped out all the blogs that I followed.  I am just SICK about this so if you could PLEASE do me a big favor and post your blog site that I have been following in the comment section below I sure would appreciate it and then I will head over to your blog and do the neccessary typing and button pushing to get back into following you...

Many Many Thanks - Love and Light and I put my computer in the corner and gave it a BIG TIME OUT.

Brings Back My Wiggle and Good Times

I can't even explain how this group has kept me sane in the worst of times.  When stuck in bed for 3 months with my youngest son (trying to keep him from delivering early)  I kept playing this group in my ears when I felt I couldn't hang on for one more minute.  Even thou I was not suppose to move a muscle at times I just had to wiggle ----- I really think this also kept Conrad in the mood to hang out just a bit longer.  This is better then any pill, vacation or positive thought mantra....   We JUST BOOGY and all is right with the world.....

I also played this for my husband at the worst of his medical times and even he would start tapping his toes and a grin would come on his face.  He lied to me when we first dated saying he LOVED to dance... NOPE but I could get him to dance with me to these magical guys....   Many Thanks for that !!!  Still sometimes certain songs will make me weep in a good way - that is when I know Curt is listening.

When I was driving back to the farm after leaving it for the fire last year and really had no way of knowing what I would find "She's a Brick House" came on the radio and this gal cranked it up full blast, windows down and wiggling all the way past the national guard and police as I turned on my road.  As I pulled up all the animals ran to the fence because they knew Mom was home.  They knew this song from years of barn cleaning and baby watches.  Yep this meant I could handle anything and with a BIG WIGGLE to boot or should I say booty.....

If you old enough - what was you favorite BOOGY Song....  If you don't like this kind of music well then just ease on down the road...

What you might not know about ME

I LOVE TO WIGGLE - Yep and I NEED the music to be LOUD......  I happen to be fixed on this one for my need for speed when plying yarns....  My feet want a beat that just flies and yet makes my butt wiggle in the seat.....    HAPPY CAMPER GRACE



Looking for some new music to keep this gal MOVING......  Share your best "GOT TO MOVE SONG" if you would.........

Mom Loves Me Best

This afternoon on the way to the mailbox Elvira was waiting for me - YIPPY!!!  So this gal sat herself down on the ground and just LOVED on this sweet one... She was very willing to be a snuggle gal.  Heck I even got head bumps and licks on my nose - this just made me the happiest gal on the planet.  I know for most this is no big deal but for me IT IS EVERYTHING.

After about a half hour of loving on each other I told her I would get the mail and be back quickly.  She wanted to follow but a stearn "STAY" had her butt on the ground and tail going back and forth with a bit of nasty looks but again I reminded her the school bus is due and we don't want FLAT KITTY...

As I walked up the long driveway out from the tall grass she sprang and ran in front of me.  Then she ran back into the bushes and as I walked by she jumped out again.  This game went on until we got back to the flat ground out of the eyesight of the dog and where we could have more snuggle time together.

As I sat down and got our loving on - out from behind the young pines came the sweet little doe.. She slowly walked towards me and was glad I think to see me.  As I was petting Elvira the doe crept up step by step until she was no more then 6 feet away from me.  She gave such a soft sweet look to me and I spoke softly to her.  I spoke to her about how wonderful it was to see her nose is almost healed and that she has been enjoying her time with the sheep in the barn.  Yes, I told her I saw her this morning in the barn drinking some water and nibbling on the goodies I had put out for them all...  She put her head down as if the say "Oh You Saw That"...

The clouds where dancing over our heads as a gentle breeze started up.  All of a sudden Elvira like a little toddler realized that I was looking at the doe a bit too long for her taste. Elvira jumped out of my lap and hissed while running full force at the sweet little deer.   Her Tail was like a bottle brush and the purring that filled the air just seconds ago was replaced with screaming hisses...  Her pure white tail stood straight up in the air and she sprang off in a blink of an eye.  Elvira came walking back to my lap with a smile on her face and crawled back on my lap PURRING Loudly...  Typical of toddlers no matter what species they are - made my day to feel I was the object of affection of two living creators.  Yep, this is a check in the win box for me today.....

What was your BEST part of the day????

Slow as a Snail - Fast as the Hare

The last couple of months have been everything but what I would wish - can't we all say that??  I have been busy but yet feel like nothing has been done.  I revisit the same problems over and over even if they come in a different form... I am questioning all my beliefs yet believe that my all my questions have been answered, just not in agreement with them all.  My Oh My what is this gal to do????

I regret not writing until now but I truly did not have note worthy topics that I could share and most of what I have been a part of is not my story to tell.  I miss the days of sharing the adventures of my farm and the sweet souls who lived with me.  I hunger for note worthy ideas that might assist someone in their own muck and mud.  Instead I have been going round and round on a merry go round of people's drama that never seem to have an end or answer.  My New Motto is " NOT MY CIRCUS, NOT MY MONKEYS"  It seems to sum it all up.

Now before you think I am in doom and gloom I must stop here and say - I have been creating wonderful items that have gone to their new homes, getting a bit of my two living spaces to resemble more of what this gal loves and feels comfortable in. taking massive loads of on line classes to get a clear picture of my business goals, personal insights and future adventures and blessed to have some snuggle time with a stray cat I have named Elvira ( great job Conrad for coming up with the perfect name) - she is a god sent...

See what a pretty kitty - black and such a purring machine.  I can't tell you how much I miss having animals in my life that are not a emotional mess... 

One question I had of myself when I came here was could this gal be herself without her animals and farm.  The answer is Yes and NO...  Who I am has always been a animal owner, lover and caregiver.  I have always been independent and ran my own show without really having to think twice.  I have learned many lessons these past months some good and some not so good.  What I can really say is "Grace does Grace and really will not be anything but that - Even if no one likes or understands it"  So what does this mean???  Good question and I will start sharing those here again.  I have also missed all of you and your wonderful comments, sharing of stories and insights that you have given me over the years.  \

So for today I hope you might share something that you have been up to in the past couple of months so we can feel connected again. 
Love and Light All - hope to hear from you

Pictures went poof

I have been painting my fiber room since Saturday morning and just finished about an hour ago.  I was such a good girl and even took pictures to show the transformation.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE that I do not have to look at that very dark green walls and now have a lovely creamy white to replace it.  The only thing at this time I have not been able to replace is the floral wallpaper boarder but I am thinking of what to do with it.  At the present moment I am thinking of covering it with chalk board wallpaper boarder - at least then it would be useful....  So as I said I was a good girl and took pictures through the steps and went to down load them here and then went to post here and POOF ALL GONE....

Oh Well, can't share that with everyone but at least I can share that I am excited to have a clean, bright slate to get back to my creating with...  Oh, and I also changed the room around for me to feel my energy flow - I am still struggling to find my balance - how does one cram all her 17 years of wide open creative spaces into a small bedroom???  I am continually rethinking things and hope each day to have guidance. 

I give thanks today for creamy wonderful white walls and a couple of orders from new customers. Oh and I have been watching a marathon of the "Scream" movies - I even got Scream 4 disk from Netflix - Good Times even without my pictures....

Beat The Clock/Storm Again

It never fails - Grace decided to turn off the computer last night and just listen to a movie while I TRIED to sleep.  Off into slumber land when I experienced a slap to my face.  I have had this happen many times in my life and for good reason.  The universe is snapping me back on this planet because there is a problem coming.  So I hopped out of bed and looked outside - it was still way way dark and I could not hear a sound so I powered up my computer and sure enough there was a serve storm warning flashing on my screen.  I went to work.  Out the door I went and filled up all the big buckets I purchased, I filled up the huge trash can I cleaned out the other day and filled it and placed the lid on, I went to the garden and gave my stuff a big stiff drink and then went down to the sheep and filled all the containers with water for them.  Then I started the hose on the big trees around the house while I came into the house and started filling all the large pan,s buckets and containers with water.  Coffee and Hot Water in two large thermos containers and quickly made me breakfast...

Now the rest of the house is up and I jumped into a shower and started my dirty clothes in the washer.  Back down stairs and emptied the dishwasher (not a full load) and washed every dish, cup and silverware I could find.  Clean clothes on and freshly dried clothes folded and put aways.  Back to kitchen and cooked the fresh maple sausages (all three dozen) so I don't worry about them and then cooked the chicken roasted pepper and garlic sausage just in case this will be our dinner.  I am so thrilled I spent Sunday cooking so there will be plenty to pick from that can be just heated on the camp stove.  I then went outside and picked the cherry tomatoes and zuck's that had ripened since I weeded in there last.  Then took my bucket and headed to the raspberries - the birds have had too many of them and it is about time we got the lions share of them.  I also went and picked about a dozen blackberries that where screaming not to be bird food - Sheri told me that she does not get blackberries till September - well I will gladly take them now.  I came inside and washed the bounty and thinking of what to make with them....

So everything done as best I can and now we go about our day and see WHAT Mother Nature has in store for us.  All I pray is NO MORE DOWNED TREES.  The widow makers is barely hanging on and if the winds kick up the driveway will be closed.  I wished this house had a basement - I so miss the security of going into my thick walled haven with all my supplies tucked nice and neatly in order.  I think for now I have done the best I can.....  Let the fun begin.....

Say Hello To My Little Friend

Don't you just want to pet this furry little sweet thing???  I can not believe how much fur is on one tiny little creature and still be able to lift off.  I also had to giggle because this sweet one and I have something in common crinkly dry wings.  Yep more cream is needed by both of us.  So trusting it was as I carried it out in the tongs and placed it gently on the deck ledge.  It look at me as if to say "All I wanted was to stay in where it was cool and quite.  Wished I could but it is not welcomed in the house and has much work to be done outside eating all the tiny bugs that seem bent on biting us to pieces.  I know it will have much to eat and I am sure it's friends are wondering where it went off too.  Bye for now furry friend.  I think I am having to make another "Bat Wings" batt here soon.

Look at what sweet blooms are happening on my eggplants.  It just tickles me to see the promise of something tasty to eat.

Look at this tiny eggplant - what a treasure.  I talk to the plants everyday and gave such praise for working so hard through this horrible heat to stand upright and even produce tiny fruit.  I am so excited for them and for me...

Grace is Camping

Nothing like a camping trip in your own backyard.  With my new spiffy camp stove I was able to cook just a few things in the short amount of time that we where without power.  Most of all Sheri did not have to go through coffee withdraw and could have hot cup of tea when the temp outside climbed in the high 90's... For me I was thrilled to have grilled Veal Bock Wurst and herb Couscous for dinner.... I LOVE CAMPING so this was in my mind an adventure even if it was a pain to be without power and pumps... I worried for all the food I had put into the freezesr and the fact that we lost power less then a week before but I had faith that all would happen in the right time - besides I can't control those things.  So now with camp stove in my position I am thinking of new meals to make the next time we have need of it.  Plan Ahead I Always Say.....

They call it "The Widow Maker"

 

There are three tress in a cluster that snapped about half way down and dropped their HUGE tops to the ground.  The bigger issue is that one tree snapped about 1/4 they way down  but got caught in several other trees - that is the "Widow Maker". Yep more scary issues to deal with because this "Widow Maker is also looming over the driveway.  Now today when I had to walk under it several times I listened closely to make sure nothing was creaking and I admit walked a bit fast to clear it.  Next thing I kept thinking if it is called a "Widow Maker" what do we call it if we are already a Widow??? 

Even the Mighty MUST Bend

 

This mighty guy I walked past twice a day since I got here - I said good morning and good afternoon each day.  He stood post outside the gate watching over us and gave me strength when hauling big wagons of trash to the dumpster.  Now the poor soul broken in the storm and his time at his post has come to an end.  He will bring warmth to a neighbor during the cold winter but I will miss him even thou we only knew each other for such a short time.  Fond Farewell....

How Low Can It Go?

Honest I was not drunk whe taking this shot - the tree is that bent over and must be taken down before it does a ton of damage to fence lines, animals or even me taking care of the sheep.  /Scary!

This tree is really leaning over that much - Yickes!!!

Wonder WHAT I have been up to for the past 48 hours???

We got hit with another storm this time it took out many trees which one took out the fence line, outdoor water lines and is just a big pain to now figure out how to get it to go away and start rebuilding fence lines and recreating water lines.  We had again no power for over 48 hours, no water pumps and tons of heat.  But this time I had the jugged water I purchased and we had a smooth process to go through with a camp stove, propane canisters and tons of skeining for me to do.  So now I go on the hunt to find a battery source for my portable DVD players and brighter camp lamp so I can see my work and some new books and music on CD.  Any suggestions?

Holly Crap Kitchen Bat

I had not even finished my final touches on the last posting when I hear Sheri tell me there is a BAT ON THE FLOOR.  I said "What"?  She repeats and I come out with PJ's on and no shoes.  I looked in the kitchen and there is a bat on the floor crawling to the fridge and before I could reach it there it went - under the fridge.  OH CRAP BATMAN,,,,,

So I tried with a metal yard stick to tickle the little furry out from under the fridge but all I managed to do was to get out all the horrible furry dirty and mouse dropping that has been lurking under the well used appliance... 

Now What???  It means now I sit and wait till the sweet thing feels safe to come out and yep kitchen towel and tongs are next to me while I watch another round of Cake Boss..  I am giggling because the show theme was their Halloween one and I fit right in - BATS AND ALL.  While waiting I have taken thin rugs and tucked them into the thin openings along the floor except for one spot so I can see it coming out.  My bigger problem is if it decided to climb up the wall and into the workings of the fridge.  NO NO GRACE - STOP THINKING...   I did tell Sheri to close her bedroom tonight and I closed all the other doors in the house.  We reall need to figure out where they are coming and or if they are already in the house and coming out somewhere.   This is a new problem on me - my Kitchen Bat was well trained and the Mink, Raccoons and Birds at my old house also seemed to understand they are guests not family..

Well maybe it is time to start watching BAT Movies - any good suggestions ?

Bat in my Bathroom

Now picture this because there was NO TIME to take pictures - Grace decided it was time to crawl into bed and see if I could start counting sheep.  As all do, I went into the powder room and as I was sitting there doing what one does I looked over and what did I see????  Yep, there was a bat hanging upside down from the tub spigot drinking.  Now I can say I would much rather see a bat in the tub then a SPIDER in the tub but still it does make it a tad bit hard to know what one should do next..  As I finished up I tried to think how to get the little guy without much fuss and also so it did not escape into the rest of the house so Shadow would not start freaking out again...

I grabbed the little square pan I use to soak my feet in and my hand towel. Waiting till I could decide the safest way I took one smooth motion to get the bat into the pan and then covered it with the towel.  Out the back door we went and I placed the whole thing on the deck and the took the tongs to remove the towel. Off it went.

So again the bat count grows with no knowledge of how they are getting in.  Here is the trick with the bathroom bat - I keep the door always closed so the dog can NEVER come in and drink out of the toilet or drop dog hair in there...   I also was taught to always close a bathroom door so that door is always closed.

Guess we have magical BATS !!!!!  Lucky Us....  Now I am wide awake - really universe I could use some rest...

Bat Are Us

Not sure if it is a new bat every night or the same one over and over but again last night Sheri had a bat in her bedroom.  Shadow (the dog) again went nuts but this time she put the "Grace's Tennis Racket Stun Approach" in to action and the little bat was removed unharmed out the door.  Since Sheri is the only one getting bite by all the bugs here I think she should make friends with the bats to help her out from the daily blood letting.  Shadow on the other hand - well let's just say he is a lost cause on being freaked out.  Heck if it was my Great Pry's they would leap in the air, snatch it out of the air and that would be that - not saying that is what Shadow should do but come on - get a grip - it is a tiny bat.....

So it remains to be seen if Sheri will have another bat tonight but Grace is bedroom bat free and plans to keep it that way.  How many bats do you keep in your bedroom??? 

4 out of 5 Sheep will eat out of my HAND

Yep, hate to admit it but I still have not won over one of the sheep here but it is because the others are so mean to him that when he tries they chase him away.  BAD SHEEPIES...

Yes it is still far from what I am use to but at least they have made it this far....  I even have Velvet letting me pet her and touching heads.  Remember it costs me more then her - she is not allergic to me - I however itch and have red bumps just from touching her but I need her to fell me and not big gloves. 

Progress and I will take it at any cost....

Heat is on - FREE SHIPPING starts tomorrow

The HEAT has gotten to me ---  I am offering FREE SHIPPING in both of my shops for the whole month of August.  Yep you read that right !!!

Go to www.larkspurfunnyfarm.artfire.com and you will get FREE SHIPPING for US and Canada customers with NO minimum purchase amount by using the code ( AugFreeShip ) when checking out.  There is also not limit as to how many times you can use the code through the month.

Next go to www.larkspurfunnyfarm.etsy.com and you will get FREE SHIPPING for US customers with only a $12.00 minimum purchase amount by using the code ( AugFreeShip ) which checking out.  There is also not limit as to how many times you can use the code through the month.

I hope you will pop over and grab up some goodies because the holiday season will soon be upon us and you PROMISED last year you would get started earlier this year... Don't back out now....  Don't Delay and Happy Shopping

Another Batty Night

Are you ready???  This gal who never sleeps enough had put herself into bed early Tuesday after spending the day cleaning and reorganizing the freezer/pantry room and was determined to get caught up a bit.  Off into sleep land I went and was just about to create a dream when I hear "Grace, there is a bat in the living room"  I really was hoping this was just the start of a strange dream but then I heard those words again.  I opened my eyes and there was Sheri telling me there was a bat in the living room.

Yep, the universe really does not like this gal to sleep.  So I get up and walked out to the living room and YES, there was a bat flying around.  The big dog who is frightened of so many things was freaking out and I was not even really awake as Sheri is explaining how the dog was freaking out and she was worried it would get upstairs.  Trying to think of what to do to get it out I grabbed a long towel and after several swirls around my head I got the silly bat to come over to me and then as it flew by several times I managed to gently stun it and when it landed on the floor I took the tongs and gently walked it outside.  Placed it in the ferns and shut the door.  Problem done.

Got back into bed hoping to catch that dream wave but NOPE... This gal was up till the wee hours of the mourning wide awake.  Sheri informs me that she has only had one bat in a long long time and now with Grace around we have had 4 in under a month.  Told you folks I am one with the wild creatures.  At my farm my Kitchen Bat came in and out the kitchen door and would watch and visit me but I never had to remove him - he would remove himself without a problem.  However, I also did not have a big wimp of a dog in the house creating all sorts of panic. 

So I wonder if tonight I might have the chance to sleep????  I might just go back to being a creature of the night - with the heat going on here I would rather be working through the night when the air is cool and the energies are calm but that really is not possible.   So tonight we will see if any of my batty friends pay us a visit.....

Side Challenge in the Tour de Fleece

I am excited to be involved in the Tour de Fleece event this year and having loads of fun.  There is a side challenge which was to make a yarn that represents the number one song hit of the day and year of your birth.  My song is "Come Softly To Me" from The Fleetwoods.. I took a day to think what that would mean to me and here is the process and the finished yarn - hope you like...

It all started with me stringing Pearls.  Why?  Because just about every women of that time had a strand of pearls and worn them proudly.  It is also a custom in my German Family that the infant girls received pearl earring on their birth.  I still have mine.

 

I found some amazing pale pale pink silk thread to string them on which spoke to me of the innocence of the era and collective mind. It also reminded me of a lovely blanket my Grandmother crocheted for my birth and sent to us in the US all the way from Frankfurt Germany.  I have seen pictures of it but no one knows where it went after I was two years old.

 

 

Next I took some hand painted Cashmere/Silk of my sweet goats that is a lush coral pink - I created this for a dear customer and had a tad left to keep just for myself.  This is representing the female energy that I came into this world with while also speaking to the love one holds within their being the moment they hit this planet.  No worries, paing or sadness.

 

 

I also took some pure white Merino Lamb's Wool and Bamboo roving that just melts in your hands.  It reminds me of my mother's pale pink coat with the white rabbit fur collar that she wore when I was just a baby.  She would tell me how I would bury my face into the collar and rub back and forth till she thought I would rub the fur right off.  Guess I was an fiber/fur lover at birth.

 

 

Next came Kid Mohair Boucle Yarn - The tiny loopy curls is what I came into the world with and my Mother spoke of how I had such a sheen to my tiny locks that folks would comment.  The only difference is that my hair was strawberry red but I think we can skip that.

 

 

Now comes the fun parts.  I layered the Merino/Bamboo and Cashmere/Silk into thin wisps of layers - not to blend too much but not to have big chucks of coral.  I then spun a baby weight/ lacy weight single that moved quickly and softly through my hands.  Such joy and I admit the song ran through my brain as I treadled.  I should have never watched the Dick Clark Video of them singing the song.

 

 

Then comes  the tricky part and the hands have to be willing.  As I am plying the three different strands together the unthinkable happened - the silk thread with the pearls broke.  I did not say words softly at this point nor did I have a song in my heart as I picked up all the pearls and restrung them again.  Have no idea how it broke because it shouldn't - that is why I picked silk thread.  Oh well, small bump in the road.  Once back on track the hands hit it groove and we soon had the dance steps down path... Crap it broke a second time...  but I never give up.

 

 

The bobbin is filling and I am remembering all the stories of my first year on the planet.  I reviewed and released because most where not happy one's - not the best of beginnings but also I believe that we can choose to see the light and this yarn gives me that strength to know that SOFTLY is not always my style but I am proud of myself and my newest yarn creation.

 

 

I finished the yarn - 78 yards in total and I am happy with the outcome.  It was an honor to join in the side challenge and hope that you enjoyed the journey with me.  There are many more days in the challenge.  I hope to be sharing more. 

 

Keeping Hands, Heart and Feet Busy

I was raised that you kept your hands, heart and feet busy and in doing so your soul speaks.  I believe that with all that I am and live that each and every day, even when I do really feel like it..  I miss my hard work of caring for my sweet animals but I have been trying to keep myself busy with different tasks and my business to settle my soul and listen to where and what I am to do next.  This is not an easy task but I give it 110% each day and believe that all will be revealed in it's correct time.

 

Have been trying to figure out the flow and dance that I had when creating at my farm - it is amazing to me what a well oiled machine I had created and a routine that was almost effortless...  Colors, textures and creations would just spill out of my hands where now I have to almost plead with them to show up.  Not a comfortable feeling for this gal but they do come as you can see in the pictures.

I am still excited for the fact that I have been able to produce products I am proud of and that my clients seem to appreciate.  So I will continue to keep my Hands, Heart and Feet Busy each day and listen closely to what my soul is saying....

What quite whispers have you been receiving lately???

Overwhelmed or Inspired That is the BIG Q

Those who know me know that I am not the most comfortable with technology and I freely admit it... I also do not like the trend of every one's head bent down and thumbs moving at the speed of light but there seems to be no connection with life as I know it.  I have to share and chuckle as to how the universe and I seem to agree on so many levels and cellphones are one.

I take you back to early February of this year when I left the farm and was bunking at my youngest son's apartment while waiting for my train trip out to Elk Washington.  I thank the universe every day that I had that time with my son because I learned so much and also had  to somewhat decompress from the trauma I had experienced for the past two months as I was dismantling my farm and find homes for my sweet animals...Life as I knew it was over - yep a bit of a drama queen on this one but that is how I felt.   I admit that only my son Conrad could have weathered this storm - he is unflappable. 

It was decided by all that Grace needed a cell phone just in case the train was high jacket or fell into a black hole (Kidding but not really - more to come)  So we decided on a burner phone (I watch TV - Yes, I know what that means) and a pre paid account.  O.K.  Got it back to the apartment and the next morning  Conrad did what was needed to get it up and going and then said just read the instructions - you can do it Mom...  Yep, No problem I said and waved him off to school...  Well the instructions came in every language except for MOM language.  There was two pages of how to put in the battery, how to load the phone with money (time) and then -  I flipped and flipped and flipped the pages and Yes that was it...  CRAP!!!  So clever gal that I am I went to the web site..  Yet nothing was there for the beginner - you know the one who did not even know how to call out.  I was ready to throw it across the room but I instead closed it up and waited for my son and watch several episodes of "The Walking Dead".  Well, he worked nights, had school in the day and spent time at his girlfriends apartment and I pushed buttons and screamed and closed the lid more times then I could count.  Finally Conrad show me how to call out and answer when he called in..  He does not have a land line so when he call several times and I did not answer he almost got worried but he knew I could take care of myself and just thought I had my head stuck somewhere cleaning - instead I did not even know that I had turned the phone off completely.   Yippee...

So now I am ready for my train trip.  I had my lap top with me, my cell phone, my spinning wheel safely packed in my suitcase and ready for my adventure.  Oh did I mention Conrad also gave me a Ipod to listen to music on the way out and I was so excited that I made several trips to the ladies room (boy they are smaller then an airplane bathroom) before we even left the city limits.  I settled down and began to set my sights on the adventure before me...  JUST YOU WAIT IT IS GOING TO BE A BUMPY RIDE.

As I opened up my laptop and thought what a perfect moment to write down my thoughts and start that book everyone has been bugging me about I realized I was not getting any WIFI service. WHAT!!!   I found one of the folks who walked up and down the isle and asked sheepishly - "Excuse me but I am not able to get my laptop to connect"  She stated that only Smart phones seem to work on this train...  So since I had a Dumb Phone and a Dumb owner operating it there went that idea for keeping Grace entertained for 3 days out the window (that does not open)....

As the hours drug on I got out paper and pen (Old School) and began writing - Life may not work but pen and paper is mighty.  As I started writing I noticed how many folks kept watching me do this - as if I was a stone age throw back.  They were all glued to their tiny little phones but I was more interesting then the latest movie they downloaded, or the new Itunes they paid for.  Before I knew it I was talking and sharing with about a dozen passengers around me about why I was on the train, what I did for a living, what their life's desires are and why they NEVER thought they could do that because it just was not done.  We spoke into the night and into the early morning as I pointed out coyotes in the distance to those who did not even know there was still those types of animals around.  Several folks in the night pulled up my blog and read all about me so when we met up in the dinning car in the morning breakfast they had tons of questions and thoughts about my adventures.  Most were very sad to know that Larkspur Funny Farm was no longer there and that the animals I love and lived with where no longer in my charge.  I had one sweet young man who broke down in tears when he recounted the posting of Kasha's passing.  He stated he never knew someone could be so connected to an animal and that he wished he felt a connections like that to something living.  It was amazing to me how my stories lived outside of me.

The train trip was anything but smooth, the adventures I had in my head was not anything like what had happened it was a MILLION TIMES BETTER.  We got caught in a  rock and snow slide that kept us trapped for 8 hours. They had to bring in equipment to dig us out.  We then broke several of the huge wheels that carried us on the tracks and had to leave behind after 4 hours of no air fans and windows that would not open several of the cars and all move into smaller quarters.  We had police come on at one stop because they had a bomb scare called in and through this all I kept giggling and saying to myself "My Adventures are always arriving and it is WHO I AM"

Needless to say I only made brief calls to my son's to letting them know of the delays, called my friend to let her know that even thou I was going to be very late I was still on my way.  Oh and I found out that I forgot to charge the battery on my Ipod before leaving and so I had music for exactly one hour and then just the clanking of the rails.  I am so glad technology and I have this strange dance because otherwise look what I might have missed.

Fast forword and I am still not understanding my cell phone but I have found it to be the best sleeping aid EVER!!!  Each time I try to read the online instructions I am out like a light so in some respects that is a good thing.  Then I started taking some classes online and the last two days it has been all about social media and online sales.  I must say I am trying to keep up but there was a time last night when I could hear my tiny brain cells screaming and exploding.  I keep saying this will inspire you Grace.  I also said to myself if my 4 year old grandson can turn on the phone and watch a movie surely this gal should be able to understanding why in the heck I can not seem to retrieve messages... I am determined to step forword into this - if I can set a goat's leg with paint stir sticks and duck tape I surely can figure out how to lower the ring tone on my burner phone.

I received the other day a cute email from the young man on the train - he informed me that he has adopted a cute older dog from the pound and he is going to call her Kasha.. He briefly stated this is the first time he feels like he is loved in his 26 years on the planet and thanks me for sharing my loves and losses with him.  He stated he can not wait till I am writing stories again - for that I am inspired....

So who knows I might master "Google Hangout's" and "Web Caming"  You never know what this gal is going to do next....

Hold on to your hats

I think this gal might just be ready to start writing again.  As most know it has been so long since I felt I had the presence of mind to share and if there was anything left inside of me that I care to even share about....

I am still not sure if the changes in my life have any stories to share but maybe for now I might just catch you up on some of the journey that has expired these past months and then we will see where it takes us.  I hope my loyal readers and friends will read and let me know if they still are of any interest.  I will have to reach back some to start the adventure and maybe through those stories I will see where my story telling takes me

Blast from the Past

 

As the temp in the fiber room climbs I offer this picture of the ice covered trees and scrub oak that I cooled my body and mind in for so many years.  This brisk crisp air and slight tingle  to my cheeks will keep this in my mind to remind my over warm hands to cool down and let the fiber draft through my fingers as if it were ice.  Can you feel the chill???  I Can...

Thank You Tiny Worm

Since words have been lost for a bit I thought I would share a blast from the creative past.  This amazing necklace was created with some of my Wild Golden Silk Cocoons and the talented hands of a customer of mine.  This amazing necklace was featured in an International Jewelry Publication, won several awards and loved by thousands.   I have championed these silk marvels for so many many years and I still find such joy in them.  They are more then a simple supply item but a tiny being's home.  I get lost in their complex creation and how to that tiny worm it is it's whole world in the moment.  What does that say to us?? Can we see the tasks we work at so hard each day really be to the end we think?  Can we create a "Home" "Work" or "Life" that lives on beyond our time on this planet and does it even matter??  Can we give our all even when no one notices or appreciates it???  I know a lot to put on you to think about on this fine Friday but just what I have been thinking about as I gather myself..

I want to say "THANK YOU TINY WORM"   I see and appreciate your hard work.  I am thankful for your talent and skill.  Thank you for showing me that even in the small and daily tasks there can be grand things awaiting us.

Can you say "THANK YOU" to something tiny today???   If so, What would it be?

Busy Hands with Small Gems

Wonder what I do in a day to make my customers have the best possible products????  I go through hundreds upon hundreds of tiny cocoons and pull the silk threads off the tiny little housse and make sure that each one does not have a dent, blemish or stain before I even begin the dyeing process.  I grade also by size and shape - just the way I roll...

 

The amazing golden cocoons are wild and the moth has left it's home - the gold color is NATURAL

 

 

What a Difference in the way I receive them (top photo) and the way I sent them out to customers.. (lower photo)

 

I do the same slow process with my golden wild silk cocoons.  I take each one and open it up, check to make sure it is whole, no rips, stains and then I trim off any waste that might be hanging on.  I tell you these little buggers take so much time to do this process but there are many who just don't make the grade.  I opened around 1000 the other night and my finger tips sure told me about it. But well worth the effort don't you think?

Last but never least are the silk rods - another thousand or so that I go through and individually inspect , open, trim and grade.  All this work is why I have 7 years of loyal customers who return to purchase my silk items.  I can not wait to get started on the dyeing process once my drying racks get here....

WHAT COLORS WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE AND PURCHASE???

On the wheel this morning

Super Soft Merino Lambs wool dyed Southwestern colors caught my creative spirit and I am now spinning singles with a bit of extra twist so I might add turquoise beads or metallic threads or who knows where the fiber gods will point me... Hope you are doing something that feeds your soul today....

Ghosts of a Past Life

There has been so many changes in my life in the last year I feel like a Ghost in the corner of a room who does not know they are gone. I have been so blessed to have a new adventure before me but the old habits and life creeps back in my thoughts.  Small events pinch me and I think "Your being silly Grace - You have been through worse so get a grip"

The last 48 hours represents such an event.  Monday morning as I worked in my fiber room on the second floor trying to put into place a routine that would work in my new surroundings I looked out the window toward the barn and counted the 6 sheep and watched them like I always did for my own furry babies.  I have not up till that morning gone in with them because there was too much to do and they are very skittish...  I did my old behavior of walking past a window and checking on the animals with a quick glance. Since the landscape is not what my eyes are use to I admit I have not connected to my surroundings yet.  After an hour one sheep was still in the same spot so I made note to keep him in my view. I went back to work and wondered "Is that normal?" It had been raining through the night hard and on and off that morning so I was not sure if that is what sheep do in rain - we get so little in Colorado.   Another hour went by and still he was in the same spot.  Not knowing these animals I was wondering "WHY would he just stay out in the rain but then they all were?"  When I went downstairs I told Sheri that I wondered if that was normal.  She went out to check and found that the animal had passed...  It was her favorite and so my past was back.  I went into action of moving the animal and then searching for answers.  More times then I can count or wish to remember I had done this task and now I was doing it here.  With frightened animals running away from me I also felt the loss of the love, trust and understanding I had with my animals.  I knew their ever twitch and they would run to me for care, comfort and attention.  This is NOT what I was dealing with at this place...  I moved the body, secured it for further examination and then went back into the pasture to "Work" the animals.  I have dealt with and trained many animals with all sorts of issues and the 5 sheep left are going to be some work but they are smart and that is half the battle.  Today  I checked again for signs of what ended this animals life - not living in this state I will have to research plants, insects and such but all the time reminding myself that the animals are not mine and that their owner has the responsibility to make care decissions.  My heart broke for Sheri because I have lived those losses and know the pain.

As I worked the sheep today I must admit the Ghosts of my past Life crept in.  I felt all the "I Can Not's" that have been shadowing me since I left the farm.  Such as, I can't walk outside and hug one of my sweet fur babies when the mood demands it or when they ask for my touch..  I can't hear the comforting bark of my three Great Pry's in the night telling me they got my back.  I can't walk outside and into the forest when sleep can't seem to find me and listen to the big owl tell me bedtime stories.  I can't just start work on a product when the creative mood hits me.  If I allow myself this pitty party I can get lost in all the CAN NOT'S

But then I remind myself I am creating a new adventure in a new place with new challenges and the Ghosts that creep in are just that and it has not been that long since the death of my past life.  I am thankful to be of assistance during a difficult time and look foreword to gaining the trust of 5 skittish sheep.  I am hearing new creative thoughts in my head and soon will have a space to start the dye pots.  I walked with Sheri today to see where I can start my compost bin, where the overgrown plants and trees are in need of cutting back and what state the outbuilding are in - all projects I am excited to get started on and complete.  I miss the hum of my well oiled life (not that is was that in the last year but that life I had for at least 16 years)   Each day I am chasing the GHOSTS away as they creep in and turn toward the light I see ahead of me...

What Ghost are you working on?

What my MIND and Heart worked on while train traveling

NOTHING is EVER SOLVED because CHANGE and CHOICE ALWAYS HAPPENS

Movement is the process of the universe - SO MOVE - Do Something, ANYTHING!!!   JUST DO NOT STAND STILL....
Do not remain on the horns of a dilema - Do not sit on the fence....

Put your foot down on one side or the other, swing your the other leg over and start walking...

You will know before you take 10 steps if you are going in the right direction.  Be BOLD and if the direction is not right repeat the above process.

NOT TO DECIDE IS TO DECIDE.....

TRY NOT TO MAKE CHOICES BY DEFAULT.........

When will I learn???

The last month has been a blur and yet I recall every second.  Many tales to tell but not sure just how to start so forgive me for jumping around - you know that is how I think and move through the world....

For those who do not have a clue what this picture is it is the pulley and shaft on my Ashford Joy Spinning Wheel or what I call my "SOUL BUDDY" I gave up clothes so he could have a safe suite case to travel in on the train and I must admit I grilled and threatened the train agents that if ANYTHING happened to my buddy I would draw blood.  They would not let him ride with me so he had a suite case for himself and I placed fiber and clothes around him to protect him.... While I worried like he was made of glass I purchased online a "Freedom Flyer Kit" so I could still spin my art yarns and not have to ship right now my Ashford Country Classic.  I admit freely that he (the Country Classic)  is not my favorite wheel and so I had no problem packing him in the trailer that is sitting in Colorado.  I was excited that my sweet Joy would do all I needed and PROBLEM SOLVED...

Fast foreword Freedom Flyer Kit arrived here in WA but there was just something that said "NO" - I mean screaming "NO"...

I thought maybe it was just all the new things I was dealing with, or maybe the stuck in the rut behavior that we all fall into, or even still I was just being overwhelmed and tired.  So I waited and waited and waited to feel better about taking my wheel completely apart to change out the shaft.  I read the instruction a million times - trust me I read it so many times I was sick of seeing the words... I still felt so uneasy about the whole process but I gave myself a stiff talking to and one after noon I just sucked it up and started unscrewing him and following what was written in the instructions.

Then the shit hit the fan....  The instructions said to "TAP" on the shaft to release the metal shaft so I could replace with the longer one.  YEAH RIGHT.    Tap, Tap, Tap and more TAPPING and NOTHING...  NO MOVEMENT.  With each tap I was in panic because this might hurt my wheel.  After 2 hours of tapping and oiling and tapping and cursing and looking on line for YouTube Videos and reading on line from the manufacture all the comments folks had to say STILL NO MOVEMENT.  I contacted the company I purchased it from, a local large fiber company and all had no advise, help or even prayers.  They gave me the number of the US distributor which I called on the edge of tears.  Now my sweet wheel was in pieces and would not even go back to it's original state.  After the guy "Mike" tried to help but admitted he had never had this issue happen - OF COARSE NOT - every time I do not listen to my gut I get into a huge mess.  He told me I could repeat everything I did for the past 4 hours or ship it to them and they could try but might break the shaft, pulley or even the wheel.  OH YEAH sign me up for that...

Outside I went and need to breathe and calm down.  I could not say I calmed down but at least I did not cry.  Sheri and I tried to think of ways to get the front part of my wheel back on the old stuck shaft but with the tapping now the end was flattened just a tiny bit and would not let the nut thingy (technical name) slide over the shaft. Sheri found a metal file and I slowly went to work on sanding the edge down - I went slow and steady as I tried to believe my sweet soul was not destroyed.  I tell you NOT A GOOD DAY...

I finally got it filed down enough to get that back together and screwed in all the screws...  I placed him on the floor and started to spin to see if all was well with my sweet "SOUL BUDDY"  Yep, he complained and was slow to want to work but before a couple of treadles he was purring again and we spun a full bobbin before we knew it.  My heart and mind was singing and this gal could breath again.  It was more then a month since he and I worked together and that has not happened in 17 years so we sure had a lot of catching up to do...  Hate to say it but I am just not me without him....

So the Flyer Kit was sent back and I PROMISED him I would NEVER NEVER NEVER put either one of us through something like that again...I PROMISE and I WILL LISTEN TO MY GUT EVEN WHEN IT MAKES NO SENSE..

 

We are creating together again - What do you think of this yarn?

 

Would love to read about a time you did not listen to your gut and have you learned from that experience???  Let's all remind each other to LISTEN TO OUR GUTS - we really do know better....

 

My LIFE in 4 letter words - NOT always a bad thing

I know what you are thinking and it is true - this gal can curs like a sailor and won way too many drinking contests in my youth but without fail I find that most of those bad words are just another name for HURT or FEAR.

Growing up the word "Damn" was never uttered and when I went to work as a bill collector and repo gal many many years ago to pay for college I had no clue what the words meant that were being yelled at me.  I learned quickly but never took it personally.  My husband was always amazed how I could hold my own in the back rooms of business deals being crafted over large amount of straight shots, smoking and card games.  He would "Turn me Loose" as he would call it on folks who gave him trouble and then watched as I cut them to their knees.  A skill set I am not proud of but was seemed to be a natural hidden talent to this gal....

My mother speaks of events even when I was little where I could give a cold and icy stare to someone and they would crumble but never would she tell my stories of times when with a gentle look I could comfort or heal a broken heart. How I could touch the hand of a stranger and connect right up to the hidden pain that needing a kind ear.  

In the last year I found my language to define my Fear, Hurt and Pain - Yep - see all those 4 letter words.  However I added a much more colorful spin to them which released that gal back out of her box.  The girl who knew how to fight for herself and those who needed a protector.  I forgot that this gal walked in the world fearless and bold.  Now I am not saying I need to cut everyone at the knees but rather I became "Silent" and not even protecting myself from those who took great pleasure in crushing me.  WHAT THE F**K???

One night when I really had no clue if I could hang on - the homes for the animals were all screwed up, folks where not honoring their agreements, the same folks expected their problems to take front and center while I was dyeing here and time was getting too close I just needed to release.  I walked to the peaceful forest and first apologized to the universe and the animals for what I was about to do...  I gave fair warning to all that their peace was about to get engulfed in a storm of FOUR LETTER WORDS.

Now this was not just an exercise in seeing how many nasty words I could shout but rather with each word I also listened.  I took this very seriously because WE or should I just say "I" do not pay attention to really how I talk to myself.  The words mask the true feelings and so I was needing to say and hear what this gal was saying and believing.

I did this exercise of reprogramming when my in-laws took everything from me after my husband's passing.  The cruel and horrid things that I shoved down deep without saying a word until I was ready to kill. I believed if I just did not give their deeds a voice all would be well but I was SO SO SO SO Wrong.  Did you get I was wrong???  I remember standing in my new log house several weeks after we moved in and the kids were at their new school.  I told the universe "You want to see the real me - HERE IT IS".  Thank the universe no one saw that crazy shit show but without doing that until my voice could take no more, I don't think I would have created the wonderful life we lived at the farm all these years.  So it was time again to draw the line in the sane and STOP my negative 4 letter words.

Now today I am searching for more FOUR letter words that represent what I wish to create in my life today and what I know to be true for me in this moment and beyond.

HOPE, LOVE, BOLD,  HUGS and CALM are ones that popped into my head as I woke this morning.   I sure would love to hear more... 

What would be yours today??? 

Live and Die with the Blanket - Finding New Threads

Last night another lesson showed itself all wrapped in blankets with MORE then a past... I will unravel this tale and hope you see and feel what I am trying to share.

When I met my husband back in 1977 he had a Ralph Lauren Polo Blanket in his apartment that was given to him as a graduation gift.  I never really liked it - brown, beige's and not a soft one to cuddle under.  With the birth of our first son Nicholas my poor husband had his lower lip shaved off due to cancer and started the process of daily radiation for more days then I care to remember.  I had taken a picture of this man under the blanket laying next to our son in such pain and illness that I feared he would not even see our son's first birthday.

Fast forward 4 years and the birth of our second son Conrad.  While I was having a C-section performed to help our son enter the world after 3 months of bed rest, hospital stays and all sorts of bad news my husband was undergoing a surgery to remove cancer on his forearm for the second time in two years.  When we reunited back at our house we all got under the blanket and hoped for a better year.

Through the years that blanket laid on my husband through many illness, hardship and pain.  My sons and I knew that it was to wrap him up in love and hope.   After the passing of Curt in 1996 I tucked that blanket in a box and could not handle to gaze upon it.  So much pain and sorrow I felt within it threads.  When a couple of years ago I laid out all the treasures of my husbands past upon the tables in my house I asked the boys to take what they wanted... One of the items Conrad took was the blanket.  I was glad to see the treasury go because the ghosts locked inside them always weighted so heavy on my heart.  I would struggle to remember the good times but it seemed as if only the bad times would surface and I could feel those feelings as if they were happening right that very second.

Fast foreword to this week.  When I arrived at Conrad's apartment there nicely folded on the arm of his couch was that blanket.  Like another reminder of all I had lost it made me burst into tears.  It was not the blanket but rather it was a physical reminder of ALL THE PAIN I had gone through and how NONE of it has left my heart.  Tucked away like I had done with that blanket I had tucked away all the feelings that I had experienced the last 32 years and had hope never to revisit.  Yep, there I was a puddle again without the words to even say what in the heck I was crying about now.  My son stood there like a deer in the headlights - what a wreck I have become. He struggled to find words to make it all better but that was like sticking a finger in a bursting dam - not the best idea

Each night I lay under the blanket during this bitter cold snap and the ghosts of all the past smothered this tired gal.  Each night I was willing to revisit those memories and face them head on.  Sometimes I could shake them and other times I felt as if I was being wrapped like a mummy in her tomb - to be buried alive for all time.  Then something amazing happened last night....

Conrad had a friend come over after they both got off work.  He was coming to purchase one of my antique wool blankets that I collected over the years.  They are military blankets from all over the world and have special meaning to me. You see I have had a soft spot of blankets that have covered the ill and dying - no wonder there but I have also felt that to honor those blankets was to honor those who suffered so while under them.  Anyway. the young man could not decide and although I gave the history of which country, which war and so on - he was not able to make a choice.  So I said in my usual weird way - "Close your eyes and hold each one and just feel"..  Yes, I got that strange look I am so use to but he complied - I think he only did it because he that he was being polite. 

As he picked up the first one he held it and nothing.  Then he reached for the next - one of my favorites  from Switzerland WWII but nothing.  Then he picked up one that has always been what I call " the special one... "  I have been known to pick it up in times of stress and squeeze it.  The clam, peaceful feeling that covers every inch of me during that time is like a hug from an angel.  The moment it was in his hands he pulled it to his chest and squeezed.  I smiled at Conrad and we knew he had found his blanket.  The young man opened his eyes and I could see he found what was missing.  Through our conversations about all sorts of other things this kind soul with many wounds kept petting and stroking the blanket. When it was time for them to leave - meeting up with friends for a fun night out Conrad came back into the apartment and asked me what I saw??? I told him what I saw in the young man the moment I met him but then I told him what the blanket showed me.  I know you are all giving this page that weird look but trust me when I say this...  Conrad's face changed to stone.  You see he never told me any of this young mans history, I never met him until this night.  Conrad stated I was spot on and that we needed to talk in the morning....

As Conrado closed the door and I locked the bolt - I took a very deep breath.  I walked over to the couch and grabed Curt's blanket.  I held it tight and let all the pain and sadness fill me.  I allowed buckets of tears to follow and did not try to tuck them away.  I allowed the story of this blanket to tell each tale and then release it's power.  I then took the blanket outside at 2 am and gave it a good shaking.  Releasing all the past and bringing it into the present.  As I did that I also said "Grace I am releasing you from the past and giving you new threads" I said this over and over until I felt the release.  Good thing now one is awake at this time or we might have had visitors from the rubber room appearing.

This morning as I made the bed I for just a moment revisited that blanket.  Again, I stated I am working with new threads....  I know the past is what we build on.  I know the events that are behind us give us knowledge, strength, joy and YES, pain but with each new thread we add we can change and so  TODAY I START WITH NEW THREADS.//

What is your blanket made of???   How have you wrapped yourself in pain, loss and sorrow???  What are you going to do to find NEW THREADS?  Would you share your blanket with us????

Is Anybody Out There ???

Since my last posting life for this gal has been beyond what I can put on paper.  There is no way to sift through all that I have gone through and am still going through in some logical or light hearted way.  I have not had strength, time or clarity of mind to even begin and not sure if I will even attempt to do so in this posting or even to continue blogging.  Needless to say this gal got hit, slapped and run over by CHANGE.  This has tested me and is still putting me up against the wall with fear, sadness and excitement but by sharing I hope I might ease my own panic and maybe, just maybe show someone else that when we see NO WAY it is because we are stuck in control and fear.  Then again I might just be trying to convince myself that I will survive and that "THERE IS A REASON" for everything.  I have to be very honest - I had many many well meaning folks telling me the saying "When God closes a Door he OPENS a Window".  After hearing that maybe six dozen times in a three day period I went outside and said "GOD, WHERE IS MY F**KING WINDOW and why in the HELL couldn't you just leave my door alone?"   I know, not very kind, spiritual or even sane was that screaming outburst but as I say when this gal is pushed too far CRAZY comes spilling out all over....

I stopped counting all the melt downs, crazy screaming and huge puddle crying activity I did for the past two months. I even stood and pound the ground with all sorts of instruments such as pick axes, shovels and many other sharp tools.  I even had one evening where I carefully got a box, heavy plastic and started breaking glass and pottery to just release my anger, frustration and hurt.  I at many times thought "THIS GAL IS BROKEN and SOMEONE BETTER TUCK ME AWAY IN A SAFE PADDED ROOM"....

I did all the stages of grief and in some days I did them over and over and over and over till I really thought - "Can't this all just be done and I just fade away to a land of unicorns and nice people?"

I at times sat in MY PITTY PARTY fully dressed with party hat, streamers and a crappy look on my face - all the while being completely present that compared to other's in my life what was happening to me was workable.  Then the little girl in me said "BULLSHIT, I am sick and tired of always being the strong one, the one that everyone passes by and says Oh GRACE will figure it out"  Crap.... Just when can I have someone else fix things??  Why is it that NO ONE sees just how much I am hurting and bleeding inside for the losses I am going through?  My inner child what running a muck... Hell, she was running with scissors and ready to do damage to anyone who was going to hurt her.

Then the strong Grace would stand up dust off the little girl, wipe her tears away and give her a big hug.  The strong Grace would say "We never had someone there before so just get over it and push on - STOP all this crap and take a step"  Heck, RUN because the wolves are at the door and they are smelling blood"

As I sit writing this I am at my youngest son's apartment, ear a lovely dinner I cooked and trying to decided if I will hit the post button or the delete button.  In less the two days I will be taking a train to Elk WA to staying with a friend who has been so kind as to offer me a place to stay and to gather myself up. We have never met in person but we have talked for years - O.K. I do most of the chattering but she has always understood this gal and never seemed to mind the whirling mind mush that is Grace.   I have learned so so so many things during this last couple of weeks that as I said I am not sure if I will bother you all with it.   As I have said before on this blog and in other places - I never feel heard and if I am heard it is taken wrong by those who really do not know me or understand me.  Especially when I seem to compose my words so carefully and yet it blows up in my face.  I know that this is the other person problem but I must say I am too too tired of other people's fall out screwing everything up for me. Yep, did you catch that life lesson tucked into those few sentences???  Those people who blew up recently at me for reading things wrong - did you get it - it was YOUR problem.

So I will do what I have done in the past - I will put it out there - DO YOU WISH ME TO CONTINUE or should I just fade away???
This is NOT, repeat NOT to get approval or for folks to hold my hand but rather just asking if and why I should continue to write or should I take up a different outlet for my wee hours??  You won't hurt my feelings - after the year I have had this tough bird can take it...